Catch me as I fall

one - my body and my mind

I can't quite seem to comprehend how I got here, one moment my life it's all so simple, the next, different. I guess that's everyone these days though right? With family issues, to school, to relationships, and simply all of societies expectations leaving us so confused and so lost we eventually become numb. Numb to everything around us and numb to the feeling of wanting to live, and I guess I'm just like the rest of us? Confused and lost, waking up every day with no will to actually get out of bed but just going through the days with my body and mind so distant, my headphones always plugged in. I'm not sad, but I'm not necessarily happy either.

I'm just existing.

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"Wake up Diva your going to be late for school"

I grunt as I pull my duvet over my head. School great, another test great, more studying great, more fake smiles. Great.

I get up as usual and get ready for another day of hell, something and maybe the only thing I can agree with when it comes to other teenagers, I shower as usual and look at myself in the mirror and stare at my eyes, lips, cheeks and every other feature as my naked dripping body reflects in the mirror. I started to do this when my boyfriend ( now ex) told me to take a few minutes each day and look at my bare body in the mirror and admire it. Admire my flaws that he saw as so damn beautiful, my flats stomach and small breasts and every other feature. He told me to admire it when I admitted to him that even though as skinny as I was I really wasn't confident with the way I looked and it wasn't so bad as if I couldn't go out in public but my naked self wasn't something I could smile at and i genuinely felt bad, I felt bad that I had insecurities when other people had it so bad. I didn't feel worthy to feel insecure. Still he made me believe that I was beautiful, and at least that small fragment of belief stayed with me even after we broke up and stopped talking. Our relationship ruined our 3 year long friendship I'll always regret it but it's probably for the best, I was a burden anyways and he's better off without me but I mean I still miss him. What kind of 15 year old teenager would I be if I didn't?

I dry up and finally get dressed for school in my everyday uniform that annoyed me  since the day I put it on. My mom tells me she loves me before I leave, good luck on my tests and all the words that escape her lips daily before I head off to school with my older brother. I feel bad that's she is one of the reasons that I don't want to live, one of the main reasons that death feels like the best option. She does everything for my siblings and I and still, she makes me feel like there is no other way out. It's so fucking selfish and I probably am pathetic for putting that on her. But it is true and the worst thing is, she probably wouldn't even care if she knew. Which is understandable, I wouldn't either. I mean it's me? What am I even worth? Without all me wanting sympathy and comfort aside I am truly worth nothing, if you knew me, you wouldn't doubt it for a second.

I get to school finally and first I have history, and maybe life isn't so shitty when I see my best fried and probably only friend Sam sitting at out table and getting up to give me a hug. Don't get me wrong I'm not the loner who sits by the lockers every lunch and talks to no one and is that weird kid who's creepy and PROBABLY gonna die alone with 15 cats (I mean except that last part but even then, I'm a dog person) I have friends and I smile and laugh and make jokes, I'm not doing horribly in my classes and frankly someone in my shoes would or could be glad, even happy. But I'm not, I'm genuinely not. And I feel bad for feeling that way, even though I know and I have concrete and valid reasons for feeling these emotions I am I still feel guilty for actually letting my mind process these emotions.

As I sit there in class Mr. Evans explains the French Revolution and the process of colonization the progress and downfalls, as I have learned for the 3rd time in my high school career. I never really understood that, not the learning it three times but the not being able to get more than a 70% after learning it three times.

Schools a blur and I spend it mostly with sam like I usually do, I love her to bits and I know she'll always be there for me but like my other few friends I can't ever really talk to her, about everything that goes on in my head all the shit and confusion. And a part of me doesn't really want to either, I guess I feel like I'd be a burden and she'd look at me differently. And honestly maybe I can't be 100% with her and open up to her like others can to their best friends, but she's still more than I deserve, even though another part of me wishes I could talk to her and tell her that I'm slowly dying and slipping away and there's really nothing I can do. I know I shouldn't and I can't. And I guess that's what hurts the most, the knowing that even though I want to, there's no way of stopping me from falling. I tell people who I see need someone to talk to that the best thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way left to go is up. (Yes I did get that from a movie sush) I guess I should take my own advice sometimes but truth is I'm not at rock bottom, because I don't even think there is one for me, I just keep on falling and falling becoming number and number. And even when I think I've stopped falling it's like a trap door opens and I just keep on going further down, it's never going to stop. But I've come to peace with that, as much as anyone can come to peace with that.

Me and Sam stand at the same spot as we do each day before we both go on our own metros and head home, we talk and laugh  I hug her and tell her I love her before I head home. At least I have her but lately even she seems to be slipping slowly away, like everyone else before, and I really fucking hope she doesn't.

The day was like the rest, numb.

I stare at the clock 11:34 pm I close my eyes and try to rest. Though I know the Demonds in my mind won't stop whispering and the tears in my eyes won't stop falling and again like other nights that have passed I cover my mouth with one hand to stop anyone from hearing and holding my stomach with the other to stop it from aching and I stare at the ceiling as every minute passes by thinking if pain is the only thing I can feel them let me feel it, but I can't, it just hurts my numbness hurts. But again like every other night I do nothing, because I really can do nothing. I just soak my pillow and exhaust my lungs to the point where I finally close my eyes and dream, one place where it seems as if I can breathe.

But lately it seems even here i can feel it becoming impossible. I don't know how to escape from my prison, and the worst part is no one knows, but even if they did?

They wouldn't even care.

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Helooooooo friends so first chapter. I guess you guys know now what I mean when I said I have no idea how this book is gonna go??? The plot is kinda all over the place but I guess I'm just trying to give you a feel of the actual character before we get into a plot ect. I really have no idea how this is and it probably is pretty bad. Anyway tell me what you guys think and if you want me to write more. Thanks for even clicking on this by the way. See you soon xx T ( by the at guys my kind of like sigh off if "see you soon xx T" the T isn't a mistake anyway, you guys probably have better stuff to do. Take care xx