My Life Story- the Reality to Emotional Abuse

The Long Term Effects, and Breaking the Cycle.

It's really hard for most people to understand what the long term effects are of living with a person, or people, who live their lives dedicated to building you up, just to break you back down again.
The start would be obvious, everyone knows that you'll have a low self esteem, but for me, there's douses of narcissism as well. I go through cycles like her, one minute I hate everything about my existence and the next thing you know I am the best thing you've ever laid your eyes on, and you should worship me. It's draining on an emotional level.
The difference, I try to not let my mood swings effect the people around me.
Every choice I make by myself, I can hear her judging me. Both of them, not going to specify. It's the little voices in the back of your head telling you that what you're doing is wrong, even if the choice your making is right on a moral standard. It's hard to compete with that, I never really truly know if what I'm doing is the right thing.
I would say, that's most likely where the anxiety comes from. The uncertainty of the world in front of me. But the only way to break the cycle is to risk it, and I am a strong believer in risk taking.
I wanted to turn my experience into a lesson, I believe I have said that before. Well, people who have suffered as I do have not had much of the pleasure in hearing the best way to deal with it. (This works even if you're still stuck with your abuser. However, it would be in your best interest, when able, to cut out the toxic in your life. Even blood. No human has the right to make you miserable. They'll manipulate you, try to make you stay, but FIGHT IT. The end of the toxicity starts with you. No one else can make that leap for you.)
I think the first step to take in fixing yourself is recognizing your behaviors. Observe yourself, how you act around people, the thoughts in your head, your relationships, the choices you make. If you really want to make a change within yourself, you need to have an idea of what's going on with yourself. Self awareness is probably the most important thing.
Once you have become aware, focus on one small change at a time. The change is not going to be immediate, it was not for me. And it is a lot of work. But if you really desire to make that change, you'll do it. You'll put in the energy, time, and dedication to it.
For me, it started back at Oly High School. I know a lot of people in my life who haven't had a great experience there, but don't immediately cut out what I'm about to say.
When I got to Oly beginning of junior year, (before I switched to Avanti) I was in a first period Algebra class (I can hear all of you groaning, and trust me that class killed me but I did it.) I had a teacher names Ms. Houge. Next to being a math teacher, she had also taken courses in psychology (God, I love psychology). Now, everyone knows the stereotype where you repeat the daily affirmations to yourself in a mirror or whatever. (For those who don't know, that is repeating "I am kind, I am smart, I am important" to yourself.)
I know you want to dismiss that, but DONT.
There's an actual case study on the daily affirmations, people who repeated it to themselves everyday actually had an increase in their mental health.
Yes, I'm serious. It's a thing. And I can say it actually works.
The more you say it, the more it actually helps you. At first, you're gonna brush it off as bullshit. But the more you do it, the more you'll believe it. Because it's true, and it brings you up.
Now, I'm not going to say that I did this everyday, or looked in a mirror when I did it. (Not once did I actually use a mirror with this technique) But when I felt down, I would just say it in my head to myself. That was my first break in the cycle. Mind over matter is a real thing.
I cannot stress the importance of this enough.
Once you get past that point, you'll realize a change where it's easier for you to love yourself. And let me say, it's okay to love yourself. ITS OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF.
Another fun psychology tip is that if you love yourself, and try to focus on the positive, you'll attract people like that. However, same goes for the reciprocal. If you wallow in your self hatred, hatred towards others, and all of that negative energy, you'll be surrounded in all types of people, whether they only feel the same as you, or they are your next abuser.
It's very important, even for your safety, that you surround yourself in a light people cannot break. This does not just go for women, because men are abused just as much.
When that's finished, you have one last thing that can help you, and that's determination. You can't do all this work without keeping up on it. And it will be exhausting and you'll want to give up. I did too. But you have to have that determination that you will not let life, situations, or people break you. Show off that fire in your soul, everyone has it. Because shit will get better. But you have to have rain to have a rainbow. Cliche, I know, but it's true. How are you to recognize the best times you've ever had if you don't go through the rough patches? You wouldn't, and that would make for a very boring life.
A good tip for this would to be to learn from EVERYTHING. Life is literally just one lesson after another, and always remember your past. You've came this far, you've gotten this strong, so why are you going to just give up?
A belief my former neighbor Natalee has is a simple one, and I kind of believe that to be true myself. She would always tell me that before you are born, you sign a contract with the universe. You and the higher ups go through this contract, and you detail out everything that happens in your life. YOU signed up for the bullshit you're going through, but it's for a REASON. You're trying to teach yourself something that you failed to learn in your last life. And if you give up, (this is directed specifically to suicide), your next life is going to be even worse than what you're going through right now.
I don't know about you, but I am NOT risking that shit. Fuck that. I don't care what sort of belief you have, if this doesn't give you some sort of reason to just fight through then obviously you need more help than I can provide.
Friends are important. Find just once person you KNOW you can spill to. Don't allow yourself to let the depression take over and suck you back into the bedroom. Try your freaking hardest to talk. Words are simple. Just say it. Write it. Sing it. Draw it. Get that release. Just make sure what you do to release doesn't end up harming anyone else, or you're just as bad as the ones who hurt you. If you're depressed, say it. If you're angry, say it. Make yourself heard. No one can read your mind. They can't help you if you don't say anything.
I found that writing it out, even if you read it again later and everything just sounds like a bad soap opera, actually does help. That's a technique I have used for years, next to drawing and music. It really does help, no matter what it is you're doing.
The final thing I will leave here, is appreciate the little things. Seriously. Life is going to look so much better to you, if you just take your eyes off the large pleasures and wants. Be humble. Use your manners. Appreciate the sun in the sky, the rain that falls, the bumblebee pollinating a flower. Just fucking appreciate the fact that you're alive to witness the littlest things in life. Because life is literally just a series of little things. If you don't appreciate those stupid small things no one notices, then what is the point in life? And do not forget to be that person who does those little things for the people around them, even strangers. There's hundreds of stories you hear online how just a simple smile while passing on the sidewalk or the short "hello" that was exchanged has actually kept people from carrying out the plan to kill themselves later that day. It's the little things that are the most important. I'm not saying to not have goals to achieve greater things, or to own greater things, but you need to figure out a balance. Be assertive, but be humble. Yin and Yang my dude. A large part of appreciating the little things is not judging. Everyone is their own person. No one is entitled to be just like you, and you are not entitled to be just like anyone else. You can hang out with that plastic girl who looks just like every other stereotype on the planet while loving and appreciating the friend you had found in the weird, "loser" kid. There's no actual rule saying you can't love everyone, this is an unspoken rule we as a society placed upon ourselves.
Anyways, I'm headed off for the night because it's like 3 AM and I like sleep.
Peace out, rainbow trout. ✌🏻🤙🏻