The Letter

Surprises aren't always pleasant

Bad memories hurt, but good memories can just hurt as much when you know deep in your heart that you won’t be adding to those memories. Memories are now accompanied by pain, depression, regret, guilt, and love. Even the love hurts now when I realize I won’t be able to tell him once more how much I love him. People keep saying that those memories would stop hurting and become fond memories that I turn to when I need some cheering up, but I don't see how it would be possible to stop hurting as long as James isn’t here with me.

Reading through his diaries made me realize how stupid I’ve been to ever be scared of him. I regretted all the confusion I’ve put him through, all the uncertainty, all the worry. What for? Some old grudge I held against men. It certainly wasn’t worth all it put him through. And now it was too late to make him understand. I wish I can ask for his forgiveness and understanding. I needed to get out of here. I got up and got dressed in black jeans and James’s leather jacket and went out. His smell was still in this jacket, making me feel that he was walking beside me. His presence was so strong, he can’t be gone. Maybe he is still with me, his spirit watching over me, that might explain the strong feeling of his presence beside me. Or is it just wistful thinking?

Before I knew where I was going, my feet had taken me to the lake. The last thing my James had seen was these water and land. I sat down with his journal still clutched to my heart as if to shield it from the pain it was in. The setting sun was showering the surface of the lake with golden droplets, shining like lit candles in a funeral parlor. Shadows were playing their tricks on the water making it look like lost souls drifting over the lake. It seemed romantic in an eerie way. It made me feel closer to James. I tore out an empty page from his journal and started writing him a letter. 

“My love, I miss you so much. Life without you has no taste, I can’t enjoy anything. At times I feel your presence so close to me, I feel it so strongly that for a moment I'm sure that if I turned around I’d see you. But when I do turn around you’re never there. I wish you would come to me once more. I miss talking to you, or just sitting with you in silence. I miss being in your arms and feeling your breath on my face. Why did you leave me James? Wasn't our life together worth living? I don't remember anything about ‘that’ day, I don't know what happened. Trying to remember give me a really bad headache, James. The doctors say that it will all come back to me in its own time when I'm ready to know what happened and that I shouldn’t wear myself out trying to remember. But I feel that in remembering what happened I’ll know the reason that you decided to leave me. And I do need to know that. Our life was perfect together James. I know we fought and had bad times, but all couples go through those bad days. Something must have been really bad for you to leave me in this world alone. I love you James, you know that. You know how much I love you. Why leave me then? I wish I could understand. Not knowing is killing me as much as not seeing you. I feel like I did something awful yet I can’t remember what it is. I’ll love you forever James.”

I folded the letter and wrote 3 words on the upper folded side; “I love you”. I pressed it to my lips longingly. I wanted to believe that James would really read my letter. I needed to believe that in order to go on. There has to be a connection between us. I put my hand in the lake and let the water carry my letter away.

That night I spent it thinking of ways to reach the truth. I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to go to his apartment but mom said that everything there had been emptied and there are new renters living there now. Yet, most of all, I wished he was here, to hold me and comfort me, to tell me that everything would be alright. I wanted to marry him and have a family with him. I wanted to have a little boy that looked just like him. Why did I let myself lose the chance when I still had it? I had been incredibly stupid during our relationship. And now … it’s too late. There is no second chance this time. There won’t be any chances at all. I’m never going to see him again.