Wrapped in Blood

Chapter 4:Take It

Chapter 4: Take It

                When I got home I was outraged.  The creature stirring inside me was of unknown anger spreading through my veins.  I was going to head straight to the kitchen and take the knife and end it right then and there but that didn’t happen for when I went inside my parents were sitting in the living room.  My dad gave me a stern look so I went straight to my room and slammed the door shut and sat down against the door crying.  What was becoming of me? I was not suicidal, was I? I am not going to let the beast in my chest go that far.  I sat there until dawn started streaming through my window and I let myself fall into a peaceful sleep on the floor.

 Sunday. I stayed in bed most of the day.  I tried calling Bryon many times to apologize and talk to him about things but I kept getting the answering machine so at around 3:30 I decided it was time to get up and get dressed.  I skipped eating and told my parents I was going out to see Bryon.  They gave me a stern filled look and I assured them that we were not going to do anything crazy.  I went out and walked to Bryon’s house.  When I got there his mom answered like usual and let me in.  She said that Bryon was in his room and he was upset about something but didn’t know what.  Of course I knew what he was upset about.  I walked into his room and shut the door behind me.  The lights were all off in his room and he was laying down in the dark.  I could see his eyes open and glance at me.  He didn’t say anything he just sighed.  I quivered in sadness.  I couldn’t believe I made him this upset. I slowly walked over to him and laid down next to him.  We both just laid there in silence.  An hour passed and neither of us has said anything.  We just kept glancing at each other.  Bryon sighed again and decided to break the silence. 

“Just explain to me why you did it?”

I shrugged.  “I did it because when I am in physical pain it seems to block and numb the emotional pain.  It went and just made the nightmares go away.  So I could sleep peacefully.  And the emotional pain I had just disappeared.  It made me not have to think about things…….”

There was another pause of silence.

“Don’t do it again ever,” Bryon said a little upset.

“I can’t promise that,” I answered to him coolly.

“Why not?”

Ugh I hate the question “why?” or “why not?” A lot of conversations come down to those questions.  Always wanting to know more information.  Always wanting to know more facts.  I dreaded this question.

“Because, I know the numbness is only temporary and sooner or later the emotional pain and damage and nightmares will come back.”

“So you are just going to just keep self harming yourself?!”

“Yes. Until I can find a better solution.”

Bryon frowned and then got up and walked to his desk and pulled out some paper clipped pages he had there.  He handed them to me.  I looked down and read the title on the first page of information.

Jingles burg Institution: Where the pain goes away and the smiles come to stay.

I stared up at Bryon in shock.  I wanted to scream at him.  But I contained my anger the best I could and said, “What is this?”

“It’s a mental institution.  It’s not that far from here and its suppose to be one of the top 20 in the country.”

“Why are you showing this to me?”

“You said you were going to continue harming yourself until you find another way to let the pain escape. So this is another way for you.  You can stay at the institution for a while and let them do their magic on you and you won’t have as much pain anymore.”

“I am not doing this Bryon.” I responded coldly.

“Then don’t cut.”

“Easier said than done.”

“Then I will help you through it.”

“No you won’t. Because I am not quitting.”

“Then I will call the mental hospital and have you admitted.”

We both glared at each other. 

“No,” I said.

He sighed. “I really want you to not hurt yourself Jasmine,” he said as he looked at me apologetically. 

“Well I am sorry, that is a wish that is not coming true,” I replied. 

He looked defeated.  I knew I have won.  But on the inside I felt bad for hurting him like this.  I knew he only wanted the best for me.  I looked at the time and realized I should be getting home to get ready for school the next day.  I kissed Bryon on the cheek and left.  I left leaving him standing there upset and sad of what I was doing to myself.  And I left with the packet of the institution information still in my hands.

When I got home it was about 7:30.  The rest of my family already had dinner so I just ate some leftovers from the fridge.  After I ate I went up to my room and finished my history homework that was due and I got my bag ready for school.  I took a shower and put on some pajama bottoms and an old t-shirt. I sat on my bed and flipped through the institution information.  Im not that crazy am I? I cannot believe that Bryon actually wanted to have me go to this place.  I became disgusted with myself and looked away from the packet.  I glanced down at my wrist and saw the ribbon.  I took the ribbon and peeled the bandage off ignoring the stinging of doing so.  I looked down at my cuts.  They were red and scabbed over.  I stroked my fingers over them.  I was still numb on the inside.  Maybe I should stop? I asked in my head. But I knew I couldn’t and I didn’t want to.  I wrapped my ribbon back on my wrist and didn’t put on a bandage. I folded up the institution packet and put it under my bed.  I laid my head on my pillow and texted Bryon goodnight. I waited five minutes.  He didn’t reply back.  I turned my phone off and switched my lamp off.  I snuggled down into my covers and closed my eyes.  I didn’t dream.  And I was totally fine.  I was in peace.  The pain was worth it.   The dripping blood was worth it.  Goodnight me.