The Boy Who Couldn't Say "I Love You"

Flashback//Connor POV

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" a young me asked as Bijou, my best friend, sat herself in the wagon.

She gawked at me with those big, clouded eyes of hers, beaming.

"Not just good, but excellent!" she answered enthusiastically.

She never seemed sad about anything.

She was always convivial, and lively.

And I wondered, how could she be?

I was concerned about her.

I wanted her to rest.

But she never wanted to.

She just wanted to have fun, and take risks.

I just wanted her to calm down.

"Now, run as fast as you can! I want the ride to be bumpy!"

I looked at her, frowning.

"I don't think this is safe for you, Bijou." I replied, solemnly.

"Why do you worry so much? I do stuff like this all the time and I'm just fine!"

I let out a heavy sigh.

"But...what if one day...you aren't...? What if something happens to you? You...you're fragile...and I don't want you to hurt yourself..." I explained, eyeing at the ground, thinking heavily about what could happen to her.

My dearest Bijou.

I felt her tiny hand grab mine.

"Oh, Connor...how many times do I have to tell you? Stop worrying...I know that you're afraid, but...if I'm not, you shouldn't be either. I've already accepted that I'm gonna die, at some point. Now, I'm trying to make the most out of the time I have left, whether it's a bunch of time, or just a little. Either way, I promise that I'll die with a smile on my face. I want that smile there to let everyone know that I lived a wonderful, full life. Pushing me would make it fuller though! Now c'mon!"

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

Her speeches made me emotional.

I didn't like talking about the fact that she was dying.

It was something that I wanted to avoid.

Because I couldn't accept it like she did.

I couldn't just overlook it.

But she could.

She was strong.

And I wanted her to be.

But I wanted me to be, too.

So I did what she wanted me to, and ran as fast I could, with the handle of the wagon in my grasp.

I still remember her boisterous laughter.

I remember how happy it made her.

But she didn't know I cried more and more after every single step I took.

In my mind, even though she told me she'd be okay, I was bringing her closer and closer to death.