I Wish I'd Known Who You Were From the Start

Chapter 3: Turn to Side B and Begin Anew

Ryan left with Max and Nev simply because the two men insisted and wanted to make sure Ryan was emotionally sound. Now that the ordeal was over and the shock and awe was dying, Ryan appreciated it. Being away from Brendon gave him a moment to get his head on straight. Clear his line of sight. Tunnel vision was never good for foresight, nor hindsight, so the sudden clarity left Ryan's chest lighter and relaxed. He nodded his gratitude to Max and Nev, then accepted their offer for lunch— no cameras.

"Never seen anything like this happen," Max said, twirling his spaghetti around his knife like some kind of wizard. Who even ate spaghetti with a knife? "We've been doing this for a couple years, you know, but I've never seen a pair like you two. You're like soulmates. Put together, drawn apart, then sewn back together again. It's amazing."

"Are you really okay with being with him?" Nev pressed. "I know that was rather heat of the moment, so you can totally change your mind now."

"I don't want to," Ryan responded truthfully. "It was... sudden. It really was. But... I've never really been able to fall out of love with Brendon. He's all I've ever really wanted. Does that make sense? Or does that just make me a bad person?" He ducked his head. "I've needed him, but I've never admitted it. Dated to try and avoid this. I just didn't want to admit that I couldn't picture a life beyond him. It was pathetic. I was pathetic. And the world's gonna know that, but... I really don't care." He smiled to himself. "He wants me back. It's gonna be difficult, but the fact that he does want me is good enough."

Nev nodded and Max looked pretty pleased. It must be nice for them to get some sort of good news from this show. There wasn't a lot of good news in most of the world, as far as Ryan knew.

"I'm gonna let him handle this," Ryan said. "I'm not gonna jump into anything. I'm not gonna force any sort of action. He... I-I want this to be him. Because god knows that it could be all me if I took the reigns. I don't want to force myself on him. It'll only make it easier to blame myself if this doesn't work again."

"You can't head into this with lowered standards," Nev advised. "If you do, you'll let him get away with anything."

Ryan shrugged. "He was right. I was an asshole back then. Everything was going wrong and I didn't handle it well. I could've been a lot better. He deserved a lot better. But at the same time, he did things that are kinda awful. I just wish we could've talked to each other. I wish I could've talked to him. And by the time I was ready to, i-it was too late. He felt too closed off from me. He didn't want to hear it. I'd already lost him. Now I'm getting the second chance that I've always wanted, so I'm going to let it be by his rules, since my rules didn't work last time."

"I wish you two the best of luck," Max said. "We'll check back in on you guys in a few weeks. Is that okay?"

Ryan nodded. "Thank you for this," he said. "I hope it won't offend you, but I probably won't be watching the episode when it comes out. Probably won't even leave my house for a few months. Deactivate Twitter and Instagram and Facebook." Ryan smiled a bit to himself. "Doesn't sound that bad, actually. Sometimes that online stuff could be a pain."

Max actually laughed at that, and Ryan felt this little swell of something in his chest that made him smile wider.

"Good luck, Mr. Ross," Nev said, reaching out to shake Ryan's hand.

. . .

Ryan's expression lit up as his phone did the same, Brendon's name flashing across the screen. He sat up from the floor too quickly, disrupting poor Dot from her spot curled against his thigh. He pat her head to apologize and answered.

"Hey," he breathed, not caring if he sound rather needy. He hadn't Brendon's voice since the meet up. This was going to be the preliminary official something, a moment for them to test the waters in a new relationship. Ryan was shaking as he waited for Brendon to respond, even though he'd only been waiting less than an eighth of a second or something.