an outcasts story- chloe

about my depression

I know I keep writing and babbling on but seriously I need to get this shit out. I'm sorry I know nobody probably gives two fucks but all I'm asking is that you listen.

well I have been deeply depressed since my mom made me move to Utah from my home state Georgia three months ago. while I was there, my anxiety and cutting got out of control. at one point, I was fighting with my mom and she saw the deep gashes  there were a shit ton of them.

she grabbed y arm in the middle of the fight and said, “ what the fuck is this Chloe?! god you do everything don't you?! come on were going to the hospital."

I didn't see the point of going there because guess what the cuts were already there. I refused to go. I stayed in my room downstairs and refused to leave. after ten minutes of that, she threatened to call the police.

I looked her in the face and begged her to do it. I told her I'd bust her for her weed and I'd tell the police I wanted to go live with my dad and I'd tell them everything.

she ended up making me go for a fucking hike as punishment. which irked me because why punish someone for a mental illness? its dumb.

so rather than addressing the issue, mom acted after that day like it didn't happen. since she found those cuts, I based all cutting on my thigh. from the top to an inch above my knee was covered. I did it every single night. deep gashes and when I ran out of room completely, I would stray one on the arm two or three on the ankle and one on each calf. she didn't notice and if she did, she said nothing.

I was having anxiety attacks every other day and it was awful.

you would think that when I got back home to Georgia everything would be dandy right? no. while in Utah, my boyfriend of three months at the time cheated on me. I was devistated but forgave him cause I thought I needed him.

when I got home it was officially five months dating. he was acting weird and I found out he had been lying to me big time I can't tell you what it was about but it fucking hurt. I broke up with him and my cutting worsened again.

I had to start my third middle school o this year in Dalton where I met Emmy who led me to tripp. tripp made me feel a lot better with the notes he wrote. he even promised if I stopped cutting he would too. there fore I have stopped cutting.

the issue is, not cutting is destroying me. I've developed suicidol thoughts. every single day I ask God where the fuck he is. I tell him I need him and he never comes. I'm losing faith in him truly.  I was raised in a Christian house so the thought of losing him scares me. losing the only person who swears to never leave is scary. I find myself asking why the fuck I'm living. the only reason I haven't committed suicide yet is, my friends, my music and the thought of my dad finding me dead. I love my dad. and the thought ofmy sweet little journey not knowing me as an adult.

I smile when I want to cry cause it stops the tears. every smile is fake. every joke hurts because it pains me to see laughter.

In the next chapter I'll tell you about my crazy aunts.