The daily life of a fat depressed girl

Well. That didnt go as planned.

June 30th, 2017

Well my life is a shithole. Got bullied in school so bad that I was back in the hospital. In the hospital for the same reason. I got plastered all over social media just for walking home. For trying to better myself instead of taking a car to and from school. The only way they told ne they would stop is if I performed sexual favors. I refused. So to this day. I'm still everywhere on social media.

I wish I could say that was the only form of bullying I went through at my new school. I got food thrown at me. Comments screamed about me in the hall. And when my mom told someone that they're a bad influence on me and to leave me alone their girlfriend came to my house with a loaded gun.

I almost got jumped and shot. Why? Because my mom didn't like thehirl I was friends with.

Why doesn't she like her? Because when I started stealing, smoking pot more. Not saying I didn't before. Because I was a borderline pot head. But with her. It was every day. With her I started acting out, making out with guys I knew didn't like me for anything besides what's between my legs. Let him leave hickies on me. Because of her I started sneaking out. Doming home in the middle of the day. Basically turning into someone I never wanted nor saw myself being.

Then after that I got the rush from sneaking out. I was addicted to that rush. So I started acting out again. Giving a guy, who didn't want a relationship with me but didn't want me as something to only get off to either, head. Letting him see that side of me saved for only special people.Now it was only him I did that with so don't go thinking I'm a whore because if I was I'd own up to it.

I started sneaking out more. Going against my parents. I snuck out the day before my birthday. And because of that my mom told me she wants to send me back to live with my dad. My sister in law told me that I was too much drama and she didn't want to deal with me. My brother, Garry,told me he was ready to drop me back off at my dads house. My best friend since diapers ended our friendship. Oh yeah and my dad told me I had too much n***** in me and he wanted to send me to a shock camp to get it out of me. Back to the sending me to live with him though. Hes a emotionally and physically abusive asshole who because of, I'm being diagnosed with PTSD.

All of that was said within an hour. On my birthday of all days. Isn't it ironic. Wanting to end your life on the same day it was given to you. I had a solid plan. Note written. Date on it. Name signed. I was going to kill myself after my parents went to bed. But my sister, Ashley, called. Sensing a change in me. She told my mom I needed help or something bad. Something unchangeable. Something unforgiving would happen. And my mom point blank told me no.

She refused me help and told me and I quote to the word "I don't care how you feel. You're not jipping out on Garry and Asia. You're babysitting this summer"

Now brother, Garry, and his wife, Asia, wanted me to babysit their three kids for $15 a day. Plus their kids two friends. God knows what I would have been payed.

So my mother refused me medical attention. Knowing I planned to kill myself. So my sister convinced me to call the police and not do anything stupid.

The cops showed up. I had to tell them my sob story. Yay. All that mumbo jumbo. Cops came in told my parents, who were fast asleep, that I planned to kill myself so they're taking me to the er to get evaluated.

My mom was pissed. Didn't care at all. My stepdad however was crying asking me how he could help. Huh. At least one out of three, my mom, my stepdad, and my real dad, of my parents wanted me alive. I got evaluated in the er and got told I needed to go inpatient. Again. 16 hours I was in that er. Only to be transferred to the worst place I've ever come in contact with.

This place wasn't even a helping place. It was just somewhere they put you to observe you to see of you're likely to harm yourself. From 7:30 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. we sat in the same room staring at the same 6 walls all day long. Painting and playing card games. That's all we had. They admitted to serving us prison food and less than what an inmate gets. If we refused to sit in the room all day they sat on us and injected us with sedatives. This was called a hold. Refused to eat? Hold. Refused to shower? Hold. Refused to do anything they want you to? Hold. Then to top it all off we could hear the staff making rude and nasty comments about us to eachother. We got threatened with strip searches.

It was a literal hell hole.

And I got told by my brother, Garry, I wasn't allowed to see or talk to his children until I'm "fixed"

Then after I got out I was distant. Pushing myself away from everyone. My sister, Shannon, and I got in a fist fight because I accidentally let the word "fuck" slip.

My dad told me I don't deserve anything.

I got my birthday taken away, my presents which I found out no one bought. My cake. My party. My sanity.

Then I snuck out again. Didn't get caught so I was like what the hell? I'll do it again. Two days later I did it again but got caught. This was yesterday. My parents want to send me back to the same hospital. The one with the same 6 walls. But only this time in residential where I'll be until I'm 17 and a half. Almost 18.

My parents don't want me anymore.

And I think that. Is what hurts the most. Being unwanted by everyone. Every single person around you. It fucking hurts man. And there's nothing I can do but shake my head yes and no. Say yes ma'am. No ma'am. Yes sir. No sir.

Fuck this. Fuck life. I went through so much shit trying to fight my depressing thoughts to live like this? Like this is any better than being depressed? No. I didn't do everything I've done to end up like this.

Nah. Fuck that.