My Story (Jade)

My Depression

Depression for me isn't just crying and feeling sad all the time. In my experience, it's about feeling empty most of the time. Like I am never going to feel anything again. It's just nothing. No thoughts, no emotions. I just sit there and stare at some spot in front of me while I am being consumed by nothingness. I feel like I am just a shell at those times, like I am not really alive. And then once I start to feel emotions again, and my thoughts start to work again, everything I didn't feel in my ghost-like state, hits me like a train at full speed.

I cab't run away from it, I can't soften the blow. Everything just attacks me once I start getting used to the feel of nothingness. And I'm not just talking about sadness. I am talking about every single damn emotion. Sadness, happiness at stuff, betrayal, pain, disappointment, confusion, mental fatigue. It's the worst thing ever and the thing that makes it worse, it's like all the thoughts I didn't think while I was empty inside, they all rush around in my head.Screaming and yelling to get my attention and I don't know what to do or what to focus on.

I'm always scared to death during those episodes to be honest. There is just absolute pandemonium in my head. There is so much noise and chaos and I can't make it stop unless I find some sort of distraction. So...I cut myself. Because it shuts off all those emotions and thoughts I can't handle and makes me feel calm. And I'd rather be calm than feel all those chaotic things at once. So don't judge me when I am trying to cope with my pain if you never felt anything that intense and terrifying.

Then there are points when I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me. I don't know what to think or how to feel. My thoughts will cloud my mind, keeping me awake at night. I can't do anything but just stare up at my ceiling. When I do sleep, I never dream. I have no nice place to escape for a while. And when I wake back up its back to being numb. There is no way out of the hell I am living. 

It has come to a point where I just don't want to stop. I don't want to get better. I just don't care anymore. Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war and I don't think I am winning anymore. 

Everyday it gets harder. Everyday its like a nightmare pressing on me. Everyday I close up more. Everyday becomes impossible. Everyday I feel myself die some more. Every fucking day, I think of ways to end this hell.

I wish I didn't hate myself so much. I wish I could stare in the mirror and like the person that is staring back. I feel fat all the time. Hideous scars mar my skin. I hate my reflection so much. I am an insecure mess and I don't see how anyone could stand me. But the thing I hate about myself the most is that there are so many people out there with bigger problems than me. I don't deserve to act like this because my problems aren't big enough.

One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four

C'mon darling, what's one more?

It relieves the pain and make you forget

I promis you wont regret.

I just can't do this anymore. Get out of bed, go to school, act happy. There was a short time when I thought I was getting better. Silly me. I knew it was coming. I could feel myself getting worse and worse and I couldn't stop it.

I came to the point where I really can't take it anymore. I can't handle the stress of everyday lifeGo. I'm sick of using my fake smile and bubbly personality just to keep everyone else happy. When I get home, sometimes I fall to the ground. I break down. I cry and cry until I am completely drained. I think to myself, "Why is this happening?" I wish things could go back to the way things were before. When I was only a small child and there were some happy moments. But everyday stays the same. Nothing seems to be changing. 

I'll sit up, dry my eyes and reach for the blade. I go to cut once again. I think about if anyone would care if I am gone. "Does anyone really care?"  My parents don't notice how broken I am. No one does. I want to tell someone but I am always afraid of what their reaction will be. I'll think to myself, "That's it...I'm done..." 

I wonder why everyone else is so happy. All these things are to much for me. I'm too young. I'm too damages. I feel so alone... I want to die. I wish it was easier. But no one seems to be granting my wishes. Why would they? I'm not important. I'm nothing special....I can't do this...

A Cutter's Lullaby

Go to sleep, close you eyes

And dream of broken butterflies

They torn their wings against a thorn

You know the pain that they have borne

Silver, metal shine so bright

Scarlet blood that feels so right

Dream of blood trickling down

And wake up just before you drown

The moonlight shinning off your tears

As you bleed out your own worst fears

So tonight when you start to cry

Sing the cutters lullaby:

Hushabye baby, you're almost dead

You don't have a pulse and your pillow is red

Your family hates you and you friends let you bleed

Sleep tight with a knife cause that's all you need

Rockabye baby, broken and scarred

You didn't know that like would be this hard

Time to end the pain that you hid so well

And down will come baby, straight back to hell