My Story (Jade)

You know, I don't think I was ever actually happy. Sure, as a child I probably had my good moments but it never lasted. When I was young, my parents always fought. And I mean always. My mom would always go stay somewhere, leaving me alone with my dad. There have been plenty of threats of them getting a divorce, but it never happened.

Both my parents used to drink and do drugs. They always used to neglect me and my brother. Leaving us to fend for ourselves while they were always locked in their bedroom getting high. It always made me so sad and angry at them. I always wished I could get up the nerve and yell at them but I was always too scared. Still am actually.

I remember there was this one time, my family were enjoying a great time at this swimming hole. It was a great day...until my dad started drinking. He and my mom fought a little because he wanted to go but we wanted to stay and have more fun but eventually we left. My mom had to take some money from dad to get us lunch. and he didn't like that too much. He threatened to slit my moms throat and slap me in the face because I was crying. Fucked up right? Not to mention he punched her in the face while I was watching. All that had a bad effect on me..

They did quit the drinking a couple years after that incident. The drugs didn't stop. It continued until just last year actually. Someone found out about it, and defax was called. Me and my brother were so close to going into foster care. Currently, both my parents are in drug court and have been clean for 1 year.

I started drinking too. And yes, I was young. One day, I was at a friends a we decided to get wasted. We did and it felt nice. I forgot about everything. I didn't get drunk often, only when there was extra beer or anything alcholic laying around. When we were going through defax, it was rough. I had to stay with my grandmother. My Uncle Jonathan was also crashing there and he just so happened to have vodka. Needless to say, I swallowed a shit load of pills with vodka. It messed me up. Since then, I haven't touched alcohol.

When I was enetering 6th grade, a year before all that shit happened, I habored a lot of bad feeling towards my parents. You can guess why. All of the shit happening at home bugged me constantly and I wasn't happy with anything. I had no one to talk too, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was alone.

It was a horrible day and I was fed up with everything, so when I got home, I cried. I couldn't stop thinking about everything. I always thought it was I did something bad whenever my mom called bitch and told me I was a worthless piece of shit. I believed her. I heard about cutting before, I never thought much about it, just that it was pretty bad. Well, you can guess what happened. I grabbed the first sharp thing I saw and dug it into my skin.

7th was the worst year for me. One: because all that shit happened. Two: Everything kept on getting worse. I met a guy. (So, cliche right?) Well, I actually met him in sixth grade and we started dating. I fell for him. (Don't give me that bullshit "I don't know what love is") He broke up with me more than once and I took him back. Worst mistake ever! In 7th grade on a August night, he told me he had sex with another girl. I cried for about a month after that. I have a hard time trusting now.

I started becoming less talkative. I didn't smile often, only fake ones. I hated the way I looked. Even when people tell me I am gorgeous, I will not believe it. So, don't waste your energy. I hated everything. All the emotions ate away at me, hurting me. My cutting grew bad. Sickeningly, I loved the way the blade felt going into my skin and seeing the blood pool. The immediate rush of relief calmed me. I now have scars linning all over my arms, thighs and stomach. I hate myself for being so damn weak. I was ashamed of what I was doing but I couldn't stop. I simply needed it.

While my parents are slowly getting better, it seems I am getting worse. Depression has literally taken over my life. I started taking pill, to help me pass out.....and sometimes I would try to kill myself.

To this day, I am currently in counsling and on antidepressants. I haven't stopped cutting. I'm trying though for this guy I am currently dating. He's the only thing that is honestly keeping me alive. I have suicidal thoughts but I'm trying to be strong. I'm weak and pathetic. I mean, look at me. I am a broken, unstable mess. But, there is nothing I can do. Its hard getting better when sometimes I don't even want to.

If you read all of this, then wow! Once again, I am NOT DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION! I've learned how damaging it can be to keep everything to yourself. While my life isn't as bad as some others, it is a hell. One that I live trough everyday. So, everything around me is getting better but I am not. Depression fucks you up like that.

Everyday though, I am trying to get better. I know my story isn't over yet. I am sorry the first chapter was so.....fucked up...but I want to let everything out. I'm done with holding it in. It was destroying me and I've learned the hard way that it is bad to keep your emotions bottled up. Stay strong you guise. You're beautiful.

My name is Jade and this is my story.