Memory.

IV

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

I push your chest. I push your heart further from mine.

"You shouldn't be here. Your head isn't in the same place as mine."

You turn to me, as if to cry. And I don't understand how your eyes change to anger, though your face says, "I'm sorry."
I soon understand that face.
You push me to the wall, in that dark, cold room I consider my safety.
You stare, you break my frustration as tears stream down both of our faces.

"Your eyes look goddamn beautiful when you're sad. You're so vulnerable when you're like this. You ARE beautiful; you're stunning. Though you can't keep on loving me like this, you know that I'm not coming back..."

I feel my breath in small bursts come back.
I was held by my throat.
You, you of all people.
Released anger? On my being?
You said you love me.

...

Why did I have this nightmare? That is barely a fraction of what actually happened. And goodness I need to tell you the rest. If you read this, please remind me.

My night skies are full of you. My bed is empty without you. My head is a mess in my current depression. My Tumblr is love and loss. My Instagram is girls who are better, prettier. My Twitter is purely sad. My Wattpad is full of thoughts I can't say. My Snapchat is where I go to make sure everyone is doing what I should be doing; living.

I want to be mad, I want to be furious. You make me want to be mad... until I hear your voice. You draw me back into a reality where I'm not mad. I can't wrap my head around it, other than realizing that you love someone that's not me I guess and it hurts more than it should for some dumb reason. I'm just not happy with myself. Duh. That's the issue. I'm not okay, and so I take it out on other aspects of my life. Problem solved.

Not exactly.

I just really want you. To love me like before. To fuck me like you've never touched my vulnerable body. Push me against that mirror we've made love in front of a handful of times and make me watch as you give me what I need. Not what I settle for. I need that. I need you to kiss me like you are using your last breath just for me in one last act to say, "I love you, I'm so glad you've been here for me."

Is there another way to get over you even though I don't want to? Or are the drugs working and this is one of those beginning steps in not being in love? I don't want to lose this feeling, because what if I go numb, and what if I never come back to that state of love- with anyone?

I just don't get it, I guess. You make me want to be happy. And you make me want to believe in love. But god, I just don't get it. How we got here. How I got here. Mentally, I should already be dead. Physically, and emotionally, I shouldn't need you, but I do.

You turn my thoughts into gardens of flowers when you're around; you dance around and pluck the memories like flowers and make a bouquet. You play "she loves me, she loves me not" and each petal that drops gives you more detail. You always end on "she loves me" because you know you have my attention and I continue to grow those flowers for you and only you to pluck and find interesting and beautiful.

You pick and pick and pick, my precious thoughts are tailored for you to understand at this point. And I like that you listen. But you make me want to dance with you, however, when I think I can, you turn and drop those beautiful lavender, pink, white, and blue pieces of me. You shatter parts of me I thought were unbreakable.

...

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

I pull on your shirt, taking it off to keep your heart close to my bare chest.

"Stay with me forever. I need your heartbeat to stay in rhythm with mine."

You look at me, with galaxy eyes. And I don't understand why it was I that you chose to grace with such a beautiful stare.
I soon understand that face.
You push me to the wall, in that dim, passion-filled room.
You stare, you break my concentration with a kiss.

"Your eyes look goddamn beautiful. You have such gorgeous oceans, crashing like waves with each blink. You ARE beautiful; you're stunning. I want to have your body, you know that I need to have you..."

I feel my breath in small bursts come back.
I was held by my throat.
You, you calm the brat in me.
I need you. I get on my knees.
You say you love me.