Memory.

V

I cannot tell you how conflicted my mind is about everything recently.

I'm stuck in a constant "I don't need you, I love you" situation with you, and I'm really feeling the effects on me today. I want to say we won't get back together. I want to say I will find someone to date me who will treat me like no other. Who will remember to tell me happy birthday. Who will know how important certain things are to me. Who will fill me with so much joy, respect, and love that I will never think of another person. But for the longest time I thought that person was you. And sometimes I think now, "Why wasn't it him?"

You are still my favorite guy to have around. To laugh with, to make love with, to tease and to tickle, to wear your clothes and hoodies, and to smile with. You're certainly still the Icarus of my life, my Tiger, and now even the Chandler to my Monica. You will wipe my tears even if they're about you somehow and I tell you they're not. You know me. But you tend to forget.

You tend to forget I am me. You forget I like thoughtful, spur or the moment things. I'd like if you'd remember the kisses that made me feel the most and give me them when I'm not doing well. I'd like if you would just stare at me sometimes and when I realize you are and ask what you're doing you just tell me I'm stunning or anything like that.

You're just my best friend romantically and sexually and all of it. I can't have this bond with anyone else that I do with you. But sometimes it frustrates me that I don't have this bond with anyone else. Because you have plenty of people that want you I'm sure. I have, well in the easiest of terms, none. People forget me. And it's understandable. But I just wish someone would notice me.

You've been with me through a lot, and that includes what I'm going to talk about right now. This damn eating disorder that has been on and off for almost half of my life. Why do I obsess over this body of mine and try to change it if everyone is telling me "you look so small, have you lost weight" and "god you're thicc, any girl should want to be you and any guy should want you"? My body and my brain are on very bad terms today. I don't want to eat. I don't want to see food. I don't want to risk having to look at myself after a meal and seeing something I hate.

Last night was not okay at the end. I didn't mean to talk about it all as I did. I didn't mean to ask you so many damn questions. I'm sorry that I waste your time. I'm sorry that I still have so much more to tell you and to try and explain to you. You can't know what it's like though. I feel you touch me, or inside of me, and god it feels amazing. But then I think of them when your breathing changes. And I can't stop thinking that I'm hurt.

I'm defective. My body will never be how it's supposed to be. I will never not have stretch marks or cellulite. I will never be small, I will always have curves and lines I don't want at times. I will most likely not have kids. I will almost definitely cry about that for the rest of my life. But the thing is I'm starting to realize maybe I'm that way because I'm not cut out for kids. Maybe I wouldn't be a good mom.

I despise boys, I despise girls. I'm kind of upset that I will not necessarily have you as a husband. I'm hoping that it's for the best. And I do quite like the way we are right now. I do agree that someday it could be a bad situation to have ourselves in. But right now I'm okay with it.

If you are truly curious however, I'll tell you why I usually get sad when you're here. It's usually when I look at your home screen on your phone. And it's not right to me in any way, shape, or form. Whether it's because it is her, or simply because it is not BB and Raven. It just really hurts me a fuck ton every time and I feel that awful pressure in my chest of holding everything in.

I feel like a shitty person letting you know that, but it just hurts me and reminds me of a time when we were dating. I just keep thinking the last time we were dating was majority just spent with your cheating on me even if you weren't at times. And that's not okay to feel. It's not right to think that even the happiest days we had you could've been talking to another girl.

I guess that's what I get though.