Green embers

chapters 17-19

Chapter 17

Knowing that it isn't the anniversary of Haku’s death gave me the courage to approach. I kept on walking until Haru, upon hearing my footsteps, turned his head. I continued to walk casually.

"It's been awhile." I said.

Haru stood up when I got to him. He put his hands behind his back and breathed out a shaky one.

"I'm afraid of tomorrow, Conrad." he said in a low voice.

I put my hands in my pockets.

"Why?"

"You know why." he paused. "I didn't fall ill, did I?''

I swallowed slowly trying not to make any noise that would indicate hesitation. The leaves of the trees behind us swayed with the wind, filling the momentary silence.

"No," I admitted. He looked at me for one second but I didn't return it.

"I still don't remember though." he whispered. "All I know is that I felt horrible the day after. I felt so exhausted, as if I had gone running for ages."

I wondered whether I should tell him or not, whether I should let him know that deep down in his heart, he's not over his brother, how he's too blind to realize that.

"You shouldn't worry too much." I said, trying to sound reassuring.

"I wish it’s that easy." he said, his voice helpless. "I can already feel it, Conrad."

I looked up at him and saw terror in his eyes.

"I'll disappear tomorrow and I don't even know why." He said as his voice trembled. Pity took over me instantly. 

"Perhaps I can help you, prince."

"You can?" he asked, anxiously.

"Well, that depends. Perhaps if you tell me..." I hesitated.

"Tell you what?"

"Why you never mourned for him."

He looked away, almost deliberately.

‘Damn it, that was a mistake,’ I thought.

"You don't want to know." he whispered. "I'm not sure I know why. It’s not like his...that day...it’s not something I'd want to remember.''

There's only one thing I could think of that Haru would do anything not to remember. However, everything fell into place now. Haru doesn't want to remember but he also doesn't want to forget and for some reason, he's not aware of it. He dealt with it so coolly, that whenever the day comes, his repressed feelings, feelings he ought to have dealt with a long time ago, comes to the surface, trying to force him to face them. However, he doesn’t want to and twice now he has fended them off. On the surface, he's accepted the truth and has decided not to show any feelings about it, all because he doesn't want to break in front of people, perhaps. That explains why he doesn't talk about it, up until now that is. However the most important thing is that deep down inside he's not convinced by the truth and so he’s buried it. It may have been an act first, who knows, but now he's trying to believe the lie only to increase his disbelief in the bitter harsh truth. The more I think about it, the more it makes less sense and yet the more I understand. It is quite a dilemma. However, changes were happening. He's talked about Haku to Reif and for now I can see why he's worried. The lie has expanded as I believe it has with the passing of each and every year. This is a problem with no visible solution.

"Conrad…"

I looked at him and was aware that I must've been silent for a long time.

"Yes?''