I was still depressed, and even more suicidal. There was only one thing I could think about was the reason. That is that I try to hard to fit in.
Like when it when I was on the field I was surrounded by mostly popular kids. There were only me and two others that weren't popular. I was always upset when I had to go to field hockey practice. I would even hit my back with my stick so they would have a smile on their faces. I just wanted to fit in. I felt like I let my team down. Because we would always lose. And our star player, Olivia would yell at us. The thing she would always say was, "there are four of you down there try to do your jobs."
When she would say that I would always want to say, " yeah and there are six of you guys up there. So do your jobs."
I think I said that to her once.
One day right before a game where I would be going against Amanda she message me and said "we are done."
I was to upset to play against her. So whenever she was on the field I would make sure I would get off. If I didn't I knew I would get flagged.
The last game of field hockey I couldn't hit the ball because I was all stressed. Because someone I used to look up to was there. Her name is Darby. I did terrible. So I knew I felt like I failed them again. So I went to the referee at the end of the game for some tips. Even though I knew the reasons why I wasn't doing good. One was stress and the other is because i had scars on my shoulder and on my armpit.
I told my team everyday during that I am quitting. The only reason I told them that I was ready to die and field hockey was the main thing keeping me on the field of life.
Amanda broke up with me a week before the banquet. And a girl I met a long time ago asked me out and I dated her. At the banquet she kept messaging me and she Skype me and I didn't notice I answered it. And i was starting to cry because I notice it will be easier to say goodbye.
At close to half of the year a girl was new at school. I thought it was love at first sight. I couldn't talk to her. I embarrassed myself in front of her anytime I could. Once I wasn't to scared to talk to her we became best friends.
There was a school dance and we were there and I asked her out. She said, "maybe but don't tell anyone."
It was the beginning of musical tryouts. I embarrassed myself when I had to sing. Because I got stage freight in the middle of the song.
The musical was great I had a lead role. Eighth grade I had no problems with people during musical.
It was closer to the end of the year and I was picking on the teachers more because I was more depressed. I still didn't know why I was depressed.
I tried to kill myself twice. One by cutting and the other was me trying to hang myself.
I had to go to Belmont. That is a mental hospital. I was there for twelve days. And the last day I was there I got in a fight. I came home with something wrong with my eye, a broke noes,and something wrong with my jaw. They put me on meds.
I went back to school the next day. I still regret it. Because people asked me where I was and I kept saying somewhere far far away.
We had another school dance it was great I got to embarrass myself.
We had field day and I was still on my meds and I forgot I can't run on them and I tried to and I almost passed out in front of the whole school.
It was the last day of school and me and my favorite staff had did who's on first, by Abbot and Costello. We had fun I was crying and I gave her a gift. It was my lucky baseball hat. But I think that I wore on stage is my lucky baseball hat. She signed my arm. I cried way to much.
The summer was awesome. And let me tell you it was the best because of my true friends, and my girlfriend. One of the most helpful adults ever and he name is, Betty Pompell.
