First Love (poem)

Poem

~First love~

I look at the saturated sunrise as I feel dull inside,
I look at the constellation of clouds as a constellation of tears starts forming on my lashes
I feel the breeze of cold air on my skin, reminding me that this is not a dream
I see the tiny dust floating in the atmosphere as my thoughts float away with it
My skin can feel the grass, wetted by the moons tears
But all I can feel is a void
A void created by your missing presence
I wish you were here.
I wish things hadn't turned out like this
I wish I could go back, change things, or at least experience some things again
But i can't.
Because this is no fairytale
And there is no happy ending
There is only the void
Slowly taking over
I feel empty and numb
I feel cold.
I thought I missed you
I thought I needed you
Oh, had I just known that all I missed was the thought of you,
created by my empty mind and romanticized by my broken heart
Had I known that, maybe it would be different
But even now that I do
Your memory still haunts my thoughts
Your scent still gets me high
Your smile still makes my heart flutter
Your voice still brings butterflies to my stomach
And you still bring happiness to my soul
Why did it have to end like this?
Why won't we talk like before?
Why is the space between us so awkward?
Why can't we laugh together anymore?
What changed?
I guess I'll never know...
Because although I miss you,
I try to forget you,
I try to erase you
because it hurts less than to blame you
But I keep failing
I'm not ready to let you go yet
I'm not ready to forget you, like you seem to have forgotten me
But still, I can't get myself to ask you
Ask what went wrong
What I, did wrong
Because I don't think my heart would be ready for the truth
And because I try to convince myself that I don't really care
Who am I kidding?
Of course I fucking do
Because you left me
You hurt me
You lied to me
You shattered my heart and soul
You said you wouldn't let me go
You said we were best friends
You said you kept your promises
You promised.
But yet here we are
So of course I hate you
And of course I love you
I always have and always will
Because my heart has grown on you so much
It's not even mine anymore
It's yours
It's all yours
My mind body and soul
You took it all
You took it all with your smile
That god damn smile of yours
That smile that makes my legs weak and my heart break
Because I know that the reason behind it isn't me anymore
But of course you don't know
You don't care
I don't even think you ever
realized what you did to me
What you meant to me
Because I always hid all the pain behind a smile
I didn't want you to know how I felt
I was embarrassed
Because deep down I always knew you didn't care
Still that night we spent in that hammock will always be my most precious memory with you
Because that was the only time it felt like you cared
Even though you didn't and never will
Was I ever even a friend to you?
Did I ever even mean something to you?
Or was I just a way to help time go by
But I guess I'll never know
Because again, I'm too scared to ask you
I'm too scared to look you in the eyes
Those deep hazel eyes I used to get lost in
Those same deep hazel eyes now pierce through my soul
Making my whole existence ache
Those deep hazel eyes have casted a spell on mine;
whenever I look at them, mine start drowning in tears
Because as they are filled with love yours are empty
You don't look at me the same way you used to
It hurts like hell
Actually no
No, it is hell
Having the person who is your everything look at you like you mean nothing is hell
You are my hell and my heaven
My night and day
My destroyer and savior
My end and beginning
You are my first love.