A Little Bit of Light (Tree Bros)

Red Strings

I remember the first time I heard about it. The red string. The string that was attached to your left pinkie finger that connected you to your soulmate. A kid in my second grade class was talking about it, how his had connected him to the shy guy who always sat in the back of the class. I asked him,
"What red string? I don't see one."
  He gave me a reply in a matter-of-factly tone.
"Well, only you and your soulmate can see the string. It's invisible to everyone else!"
I looked down at my pinkie finger. There was no string. Needless to say, I was very confused. As a futile attempt to answer all the questions that were racing through my head I asked him,
"What happens - uhm, what happens if you don't have a string?"
He gave me this look, and I couldn't quite place it. Looking back, I think it was disgust, or hatred. He replied in a sour tone.
"Then you don't have a soulmate. But you have one, right Connor?" He was almost teasing me, knowing the answer. He knew that I didn't have the string. He knew that I didn't have a soulmate and was going to do something regrettable. I don't like to admit it, but he was right. I told him,
"I- um, I-I don't have the string." I fiddled with the zipper on the dark green cardigan that my mom had picked out for me, since it "complimented my eyes."
"Freak. You're a Freak." He turned around to face the entire class and shouted,
"HEY EVERYONE! CONNOR DOESN'T HAVE THE STRING!"
I felt rage build up inside of me until felt a plethora of tears fall from my face as the heat that was radiating off my cheeks made my face turn a shade of hellfire red. I got up to go to the back of the class. I was sat next to the printer, where no one else was. In a fit of rage, I threw the printer across the room. I remember trying to aim for the kid, Jared, I think his name was, but I missed. I hit the teacher.
          I consider that the day everything started. It started my track record of being an 'uncooperative student', it started my parents fighting, hell, you could even trace back my depression to that day. It's been a decade since the incident, and I still don't have the red string. I kinda hoped it would always just appear, but I've given up on that hope a long time ago. My parents haven't stopped fighting long enough to see how upset they've made everyone, and I've shut everything good out of my life. Zoe, my sister, was the only one who understood me, and even then I pushed her away. I wouldn't be surprised if the name "Connor Murphy" left a sour taste in her mouth. No one would care if I disappeared. No one-
I heard a loud bang on my bedroom door.
"Get up, fuckface, it's the first day of school." She banged on my door again, this time a little more impatient.
I groaned. I rubbed my eyes as I slowly arose from my bed.
"Give me a minute, I'll be down in a sec."
I threw on a black hoodie and jeans, two parts of my signature look. I stumbled downstairs and passed out at the breakfast table. I was only awoken by -
"I've told you a million times, Larry, he is not high! Connor, are you high?"
I looked up and around to see my mother who was staring at me with an exasperated expression. I like to recognize it as the "I don't want to believe you've done something terrible, but you probably have" look, while Zoe and Larry were staring at me with disappointment. I wasn't going to deny that I had been smoking a little, especially if even if I did try to plead sober, they wouldn't believe me for a second. I gave a small nod, making Cynthia deflate a little bit while Larry and Zoe stood a little straighter, gaining a little confidence in how they'd been right all along. Cynthia then exclaimed,
"I don't want you going to school high, Connor!"
I snapped back.
"Perfect, so then I won't go! Thanks, mom!" I shot her a look that built on my sarcasm. As I tried to leave the room, Larry caught the hood of my sweatshirt and pulled me back by it, then spinning me around to face him. I would have admitted I was terrified if he wouldn't have hurt me more for it. I would like to say I'm never scared of him, every time he gets like this. But it doesn't get any better. I'm always still terrified of him, and I'm still terrified of what he's going to do. He looked me in the eyes with a seriousness that could only be described as terrifying to those who it is directed at. Through gritted teeth he said,
"Connor Murphy, you will go to school today."
I tried to brush it off, as if I wasn't traumatized after all his years of discipline, not because he cared about my wellbeing and character, but because he wanted the facade of the Murphys being one that looked spotless and perfect.
It had fallen a long time ago. 
"Whatever, I'll go," I tried to act disinterested, as if the events prior hadn't shaken me. "But I make no promises about tomorrow."
Zoe interrupted us. "We're going to be late if you don't hurry up! Connor! Grab your shit and let's go!"
I did so, dragging my feet to show dramatic protest of going to school. As I sat in the back of Zoe's car, glancing over into the mirror occasionally to look at Zoe's face. Her eyebrows were furrowed as she concentrated on the road, still infuriated with me. I understood why she was, though, and honestly I can't blame her. She had a good thing going before everything started to really deteriorate. She was on the AB honor roll, and the best guitarist our high-school had ever seen. But, both her grades and her motivation to play guitar have faltered since then. It had been five minutes in the car when she decided to break the silence.
"Do you actually want to do anything senior year? Or are you going to repeat the last three years?" She questioned me, a smirk spreading across her face.
"I'll see if I find something that makes me want to care. But for now, the answer is no." I kept my eyes fixated on the window, not looking up at Zoe. I can see a little bit of heartbreak every time I say something like that in her eyes. I know she just wants things to go back to the way they were when we were kids, when it was just us against the world. An invincible duo that could overcome any challenge, because we'd always be there for each other. I hate to admit we can't go back to that. And I hate looking in her eyes when I make that clear.
"Whatever. I'm trying out for a symphony this year, since they've opened up positions for guitarists now." I felt the car halt. "We're here."
I gazed at the school that I looked more like a prison, as I saw the bright and beaming faces of freshman walk in, no idea what laid ahead in these coming years. I also saw fellow seniors, who were a little less excited for the final year of high-school. And at this point, I detested the thought of waking in that building. I still got out of the car and walked through the glass doors and was welcomed in the only way a high-school could - a wave of overpowered AC and body odor hitting you as your entire body got shoved into the stream of the student body, all of whom were rushing to get to whatever they had for first period. I looked over at the computer lab. It seemed to be empty, so I ducked my head into it. I was wrong, as there was one person in there. Alana. She approached me with a smile.
"Hey Connor!" She paused. "It is Connor, right? Anyways, you excited to start another fun and final year of high-school?"
I looked up at her thinking "This girl has got to be joking," but I was very wrong. All the words that she had said had no trace of irony or sarcasm in them. I replied,
"Eh, not really. I don't really care." I said, turning away.
"Oh really? That's too bad. That sounds like a sign of depression! I've been reading a lot on mental illness lately." She kept the same plastic smile on her face. I started to wonder if she ever shut up. "You know, there's this app I know of, and it allows you to connect with other people with mental disorders! You should download it." She looked at me impatiently, waiting for me to say something along the lines of  'Of course I'll download it! My depression is cured! I'm so happy!'
Instead I said,
"Do you know how to fuck off?"
She was taken aback by this, but was persistent.
"Just-just download it for me?" She started to plead. "Pllllleeeeeaaaaassseeee?"
It took a little convincing, but I finally downloaded the app. She was ecstatic when she finally convinced me to.
"Great! So here's how it works. You're paired up with fellow users near you, and you just talk! And it's totally anonymous, so you can be unrecognized if you want to be."
I got a strange feeling of safety from being able to go unknown. "They don't have to know who I am. I finally have a chance not to mess this up."
"You seem intrigued, so I'll leave you alone to work out the kinks! Have fun! See you around?" She asked.
"Yeah, I'll see you." I lied. I wasn't going to school tomorrow, or the next day, or any day after today. Today was the day I was going to end it. I had a plan, plain and simple, and I didn't need to think of anything else. No one was going to care, but everyone was going to pretend that they did. Strangers will say I was their 'closest friend', and I'll be the silent whisper of the school for a month or so. Maybe the school will pretend to be interested in mental health among their students.
Maybe I'll be more than a missing string, for once.