When Will Class 3-F Get a Break?

Touma Part 3

This wasn't a spontaneous feeling that I got out of nowhere. It has augmented since the day I was born. I've always been an independent child. Before my parents had me they were living their dreams as a happy couple. Then came me.

They had to get real jobs.

And buy a home.

All so that they could raise me. I'm sure they lamented me for that. They just wouldn't show it. My mother and father were deeply in love with each other. So much so that they didn't have enough for their own daughter. I felt like a constant third wheel to them. It just goes to show that they didn't need me. And now I feel like I don't need them either. Like I've said before I have always been an independent child. However, I thank them for bringing me up, providing me with food and giving me a place to stay all at the expense of their own lives. Now that I'm older I try my best to be a good daughter for them. I get good grades. I don't get in any trouble. I try to be a less of a burden on them than I already am.

I've never needed anyone. But I feel an immense desire to be needed. I guess it's just in my DNA. A reason to be desired. A reason to exist. A reason to stay here on earth. But I've never had a reason. I've never had a person to tell me they needed me. I'm no one's role model. No one's reason to wake up in the morning. No one's reason to live. If no one needs me I can't love myself. If no one needs me I don't need to be here.

Some suicidal intentions arise from bullying. I've never been bullied a day in my life. It would be great though. I read somewhere that bullies need to do what they do in order to build confidence. Or something like that. They need the other person so that they can build themselves up by knocking other people down because of their own insecurities. If I could be that for someone then I would have a purpose. But the other girls just left me alone. They just sit there and wondered why I never talked to them. A "quiet princess" I was dubbed one year in middle school. I couldn't blame them. I was always quiet in class. Whenever I was called on I would give one word answers or the traditional "I don't know". They never bullied me for it though. They never took stuff from my desk. They never pulled my hair or stomped on me. All the other girls just left me alone and it really bothered me. Well all of them except one.

When lunch started I pulled out my bento which I prepared at home. My mother never made my lunch I forbade her from it. I didn't want to be a burden so I made my own lunches. My mother found it odd that I did this but she dismissed it as me trying to become a good cook for my future husband. During lunch the students of class 3-F would normally eat in the classroom and conversate with one another. I was one of the few students who would regularly leave the class to eat else where. On my way to my regular spot where I would meet Minori and some of her friends I would stop for an extra drink at the orange vending machine.

Strawberry lemon juice.

150 yen.

12 ounces.

We all met at the top of the stairway right before the entrance to the school's roof. There was a little table and a couple of chairs up there that the faculty left. I guess they didn't have anywhere else to put them. Our spot was the perfect place to eat since we were secluded but we also had some sunlight since the rooftop entrance had a small window on it. When I got there Minori and her friends were already sitting down. The two other girls were from her class that she had met earlier in the school year. I never bothered to remember their names since the only time I saw them was during lunch.

Minori and her friends would do most of the conversing while I would just quietly eat and give an occasional nod. I was never one to talk unless spoken to. I didn't want to object to any pre existing conversations. However, it seemed like today they really wanted to hear me talk or something since they would not stop bombarding me with random questions. It started when one of the girls asking me a question about my past.

"So, Touma I heard you used run track in middle school."

Minori gave me a grin.

"I told them how we used to be on the same track team, To-chan."

It was true. When Minori and I went to the same middle school we ended up meeting each other on our school's track team. Naturally, she was the one who started talking to me first and we just became friends from there.

"Why did you stop running?" the other girl asked.

"I just didn't feel like it. Y'know."

That wasn't the real reason but I had to give them some kind of answer or they wouldn't stop asking. Minori gave me a weird look. I could tell she was hoping I would give a straight answer. I haven't given her a definitive answer in over a year since I quit. Minori butted in.

"You used to be so good Touma. I wish you would join the track team here so we can run together again."

I could tell she was being serious since she called me by my real name. My next plan was to change the subject but luckily for me our lunch break was nearing its close. We packed up and started heading back our classes. As we were going down the steps Minori stopped me while the others walked on. She had her hand firmly on my shoulder to stop me from walking away.

"I'm being serious To-chan I want you to try out for the track team. You looked a lot happier back then."

Her eyes were glistening almost as if she was going to cry and her voice was soft like a mother consulting her child.

"I'll think about it."

"Okay, good."

She walked back to her room and I walked back to mine.

The real reason I quit was of course due to my need to be needed. When I joined the track team I did it for my love of running and because I wanted to be admired. I wanted to be looked up to on the track team. I wanted to be the reason someone trained harder. I wanted to set an example for the rest of my teammates but I wasn't even close to as good. I wasn't even second good. I wasn't even third. So when I realized I wasn't going to be able to reach my goal I eventually stopped trying and quit right before I graduated middle school. Minori kept running, even going as far as to join our high school track team where she was doing pretty good for herself. Literally leaving me in the dust.