Dear Wafa...

Twenty Four

Dearest friend,

Today marks the twelfth year of your departure. Twelve years! I am already past twenty-five and it's a wonder when you look back at the years. And so very terrifying too, because if I were to be asked by Allah what I have done with the quarter century I spent on earth, I don't know what answer to give. What have I done with my years, honestly? Have I done anything worthwhile, anything to guarantee me a place in Jannah where we can meet up in sha Allah? I don't know, Wafa, and I am scared...

So I have been kind of evaluating the past and thinking of all that I could have done and all that I can still do... I have a little boy and will soon bring another baby into the world, in sha Allah. And I plan to raise them in a good manner so that they will benefit humanity, and pray for me long after my bones have turned to dust. In sha Allah.

I want to strengthen my relationship with the Book of Allah. I want to understand and learn more, with the right intentions. A blessed Ramadan has just flown by, and though I haven't been able to make the most of it, I want to be among those who have earned their Lord's pleasure. I want to make amends by striving more, though I keep failing. In sha Allah.

I also want to win JRF once I am back home and pursue research. I don't know how far it would be practical with two kids on hand, but I want to try. I want to make my future secure for my babies and myself. In sha Allah.

I want to complete the translation I am working on right now and make a career in this path if possible. There are a number of books that I would love to translate into English, given the opportunity. In sha Allah, one day.

I want to write to the best of my ability. Sometimes, I tend to get caught in the flow and forget all about words and the art of  stringing them together. I have been planning stories and books for a long time, only to let them slide. I haven't written stories for almost a year now. There's this one story in my mind that keeps coming back but I am too much of a coward to write it down as it is rather too personal. In sha Allah, soon.

I want to do so much more, but I tend to let life catch up to me and overcome me. Many a time, trials of life have washed off dreams I've long cherished and I have learned to accept reality and move on. But the dreamer in me wakes up occasionally and works overtime to make more and more plans and hopes for the future. In sha Allah...

I wonder what you would have done if you were still here. I am sure you would have outdone me anyway :) and that whatever it is that you would have done, you would have given it your all. Because that's the kind of girl I remember... And I remember you a lot these days. I have been baby-shopping and am oh so scared at times to buy things for a baby who will take around 10 more weeks to come, but then I have got to do what I've got to do. If I were back home, I wouldn't have bought a single thing before the baby is born but since I am away from home and alone, I have to do all things necessary before my strength runs out. I already have all kinds of aches from muscle cramps to back pain and I don't think I will be able to do much walking around in the later stage. Hopefully, the baby will be here in good health when the time is right. My eldest is all set to be a big brother right now, though he may change his mind when he actually sees the baby because he is too much of a mama's boy and does not like to share my time and attention with anyone else. How I wish you could have met him!

With lots of love,
A friend who'll remember you as long as she remembers herself.