Phoebe's Performance

Scars

Chapter 21

I'm on suicide watch and I go into the office, despite my vow to watch him twenty-four seven. But I can't. I desperately want to call Ben, my best friend of practically forever, but we haven't spoken since the incident with Miss Shower Curtain. And I'm too stubborn to call Ben anyway. He hasn't bothered to check in to see if I'm remotely alright. I've been working for Otto for over three weeks, so I haven't spoken to Ben for that amount of time. If Ben remotely loved me, he would have rung after the incident with Miss Shower Curtain. He hasn't so the proof is in the pudding.

So I call Annika instead. Besides, I have to call Annika to explain what Eve had said. It's the most obvious thing to do. But she doesn't pick up. She's probably getting on a plane or already on one. She probably won't even come back to say Goodbye. I leave a strangled sounding message, not getting into intricate details over message bank. How do you tell someone's mother, sorry, but I think you're son is suicidal and I don't think you should go on tour?

There's no polite way to say it. So I don't utter the words. I just want to talk to her though what he said.

I leave the office door open, other than that I don't know what to do. I can't help wondering if having the door open is enough. But I can't stop thinking of all the different ways Otto might kill himself and images of him dead keep flashing round my thoughts that I feel sick to the stomach. I can't look at him for I'll lose my strength.

Besides, he's right. I can't be in the same room all the time. And I'm feeling too emotional to just sit on the sofa in the music room and pretend everything is okay, that the events didn't happen. Not that he knows that. I just can't look at his handsome face, his intense blue eyes and wonder about whether he'd actually top himself.

I feel sick and shaky inside, like someone has taken a slight piece of my puzzle and now I can't balance. My concentration is absolutely shot and I begin to research everything online.

How can I help in this situation?

Can I help?

Will he get better?

Not just physically but mentally. I know Otto spoke about it but he didn't actually do anything. But he's obviously thought about it and I'm scared. Will I ever be able to leave him?

I'm oddly calm as I read about suicide and about depression. As I read, my anger subsides.

I can't call him selfish because to be honest I do know how he feels. When I was discharged from hospital I was so beside myself. But, never did I consider killing myself. But I cried a well full of tears. It was all I could do.

So I have no idea about the extent he feels. I suppose I've never reached the heady heights that he has and now that he thinks he's lost it, he wants to end it all. So I can't judge him.

But what can I do? How can I help him get sane again and back on the piano? He has helped me get back on the piano. He's even allowing me to use his piano in the mornings. He's sitting with me each morning.

I've got to give back.

So I Google and find a website for injured musicians to put questions out into a forum. One person is a flute player with receding gums. Then there's a trumpet player whose face was beaten badly. He needs his lips to play the instrument and audition. I wonder whether to blog on behalf of Otto, but I don't want to incriminate him.

Instead I call Annika again and leave another message. I notify her that it's urgent that we speak. It's urgent that she doesn't leave the country without speaking to me.