My Adventure

meh

Hi

  Okay so it's the 4th of July today and it's been raining but it stopped now. I want to go see the fireworks later tonight, my brother is supposed to drive me but he's an asshole and I don't like him.
   We have those packs of fireworks like the variety box, my mom didn't want to go to Wisconsin to buy the ones that are like the ones they shoot off on the 4th. But hey I still get to go watch them and take pictures😁 I really wanted Josie to come to our cabin with us but she had to go with her asshole dad for the whole week, uugghslsmdhhhmalwofbfksnfnek.
  

So I've been hinting to my mom that I'm pan, like they'll be cards for birthdays or whatever and it'll have an animal with rainbow fur, I showed her this one card which had a bunch of sheep on the front but one of them was rainbow...on the inside it said you and everyone else. So I'm just like mom this is me this card is my life but she didn't understand what I was getting at so she just bought it and gave it to me for my birthday.
  

  Okay so I've been feeling bad about myself, things like I'm fat or I'm not good enough. My dad was shit talking gay people last night, he was calling them fags and saying how horrible they are..I wanted to scream at him and cry at the same time. This only worsens how I feel about myself because my dad doesn't accept anything other than straight humans..and my mom doesn't fight it, she just agrees....I feel like I'm extremely messed up because I've gotten to the point where I think about suicide without feeling sad or any other feelings, like I'm just happy and numb at the same time..idk. I should start seeing my therapist again but what am I supposed to tell my mom? Just oh hey um I'm pansexual and I feel like im a guy half the time, can I see Paula again? Like no I'm not gonna do that. Oh yeah the other day I was watching I am Jazz and my mom kept telling me to turn it and when I asked why she told me it was making her physically sick, like wtf mom just sit there and read your book, then she kept asking if I wanted to be a boy and I told her no. She made me change the channel and acted like I was a demon child.