I went too far. So much for not caring what people thought. As if anything that makes me just me is right anyway. Why can't everyone just leave me alone? I lost that smile, that politeness, that hope and these dreams; all cause of those things, those experiences that seem to go around. I lost my talents, my purpose of living. Imagination's a dangerous creature, always lurking at the back of your brain, but thank god for it never left me. Not yet anyway.
I wish I had the social skills that she does, the fact that whatever happens to her and the choices she makes, she doesn't care what people think, doesn't have to care at all. She doesn't have to face any consequences, and doesn't get too lost with her thoughts either.
I wish I didn't hate myself so much; the way I look, my choices, everything. I lost everything. Why do I care? Laugh it off. Make things seem natural. Isn't being a typical teenager fatal to the heart?
I don't get how they care so much about this 'food'. I can live without it. I know I can. Don't they see that my situation is different from her? I look at other people and just wonder why I can't be as thin as them, as pretty as them, as tall as them, and everything else in between or out of those edges. I used to love writing, but I never thought I would use it as my last resort. What is this? A suicide note? I need to be stronger.
I need to be stronger and not just stupidly start crying over every problem. There hasn't been one night since I arrived here that I haven't cried myself to sleep. I'm grateful they care, really. But I just want them to know that I'm tired of living a double life. Or what am I living? What type of life? I'm sick of it.
I think I might actually be going bipolar. Not showing respect to anyone? I wish they'd just leave me alone.
If they would just leave me alone, maybe then they could keep that respect. Why do they care what I think anyway? I know they don't, so why pretend?
Nothing helps anymore. I haven't even resorted to swearing yet, never mind anything drastic. I don't want to. Sure swearing relaxes your mind, or so I've been told. Maybe that's why she's still sane. Of course nobody knows that she swears though.
For me, swearing actually tells me that there's a problem. A problem I can't deal with, that I don't know how to deal with. Why is it that if you don't acknowledge a problem, it doesn't actually go away?
It's easy for her, honestly.
I wish I could watch my weight in peace.
I wish I could finally know that there's nothing more of myself to hate.
I wish I could finally look at my reflection without thinking I'm worthless.
I wish some sort of miracle happens.
I wish my family situation gets better.
I just wish something amazing would happen.
Just something.
I hate eating together with my family. Something always goes wrong. What part of that can't anyone get? So I don't show up. And that's also a problem. At least for them.
Confiscate whatever the hell you want. Ban me from whatever. Be mad all you like. You don't need the respect that I haven't given you. Why is it so hard to just forget that there's a world around you?
I used to smile. I used to be happy. Just cause I didn't care. But now I do.
I don't want to care.
I'm writing nonstop cause I want to see, cause I want to know exactly how angry I am. I want everyone to know that their jokes about me are so funny actually. I'll laugh everytime. Every single time. No matter what happens, I'll be there to laugh about myself.
