My Possession

13. Mixed Signals

Mia.

I didn't say anything.  I just got up from the table as Shawn made his way up the stairs.  As I started walking towards the stairs, I felt Larry pull me back.

"Remember Mia, he's only trying to protect you."

I nodded while making my way up to Shawn's room.  I didn't know what to expect.  Would it be him telling me that last night was a mistake?  That he can't have what we want?

I pushed the door to his room open, and found him standing at the foot of the bed with his back turned to me.

"Please, sit," he said with his back still turned to me.

Again, I didn't say anything.  I just did as he said.  I sat down on the bed, and I was able to see his face.  He seemed off.  His expression was different than the ones I've seen.

This one was troubled.  It showed no emotion whatsoever.

"Is everything alright?" I questioned as he took a seat next to me.

"Um y-yeah, I just thought we should talk about you know...last night," he said with an awkward smile.

Maybe I was wrong?

"Oh yeah, pretty good huh?" I lightly chuckled while wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Very," he smiled, and at this point, I couldn't help myself.

I pressed my lips to his in a desperate need for him.  I don't know what was coming over me, but I knew I wanted him again.

Then, he pushed me away, which seemed odd.

"What? Is everything alright?"

"Y-yeah, look Mia, what we did last night," he paused waiting for me to take his words in.

I would've been able to process them if he gave me a little more incite, but I could tell that wasn't happening.

"You regret it don't you?"

"Regret? Never.  Mia look, this is all just really complicated."

"What do you mean?  You told me you loved me."

"I know.  I know I did."

"Then what's wrong, because I love you too."

"No Mia, you don't."

"Shawn, how could you say that? Of course I do.  I have loved you."

"No you don't Mia.  We can't love each other."

"What? Why?"

"Because," he paused again, trying to figure out his words, "this isn't supposed to happen."

"Shawn, don't do that."

"Look, Mia, I can't love you.  I own you.  This isn't supposed to be how things are.  You're meant to do what I please, not the other way around."

"I'm still not following."

"Point is, we can't be together.  We can't do this."

"Shawn, I know you don't mean that.  Because you and me both know we want this."

"No, it's what you want, and I can't give that to you."

"Shawn please," I said and tried wrapping one of my arms behind his neck, but he rejected it.

"Mia, just stop please."

"No, Shawn, do you get that you literally just took my virginity, and now you're doing this.  I gave that to you because I loved you."

"You told me you loved me, and now once I gave you what you wanted, now you're dumping me?"

"Mia, it's not like that."

"No, I know exactly what it's like."

"Look, if you're trying to 'protect' me, I don't want you to!  I want you this way Shawn! I want you like this, and I know you want the same."

"But I don't."

My mind began to spin, as I took in his small words that were breaking me. 

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"That's absolute bullshit Shawn!"

"I know you! I can tell that you want me as much as I want you, why can't you just say it?"

"Because I don't Mia!"

At this point, he was standing on both feet looking down at me with cold eyes.  My heart started beating rapidly, as I tried to convince my mind to calm down before I could get into trouble.

"Fine," I muttered while looking down at my feet.

"Look Mia, I'm sorry," he said, his voice calming down, as he sat next to me again.

The fact of him saying sorry, cracked me.  It's funny how one word that should lead to forgiveness can just break you.

"You're not sorry!  You took everything from me Shawn! Don't apologize!  Don't protect me!  I love you, and you're just throwing it away!"

"Mia please, I just-" I cut him off before he could finish.

"Don't.  Don't ever talk to me again," I mumbled, with tears beginning to slip from my eyes.

I turned back, and stormed out of his room.  He really didn't want me.  How could I not see this coming.

It's always when you get something that you've basically dreamed of, and now it gets taken from you.  The only question now is if I still love him.  To answer that question, it's already an obvious answer. Yes.

I do still love him.