Why Am I This Way?

What am I so afraid of?

   This August I'm starting high school. I am absolutely terrified. Every one probably feels this way, I don't know why I think that I'm a different case. This will be my second year in public school and a lot of my friends have moved away. Plus I don't think i will have a lot of classes with the friends I have left or if I want to be friends with some of them anymore. But at the same time I don't want to be with the "Popular People" group. They all seem so stuck up and that is one of my biggest pet peeves. They don't seem to like anything I do. They just don't seem like the people I want to be friends with. A lot of people seem to already know who they are, but i am completely lost. I have a very vague idea of what I want to do in life. I also have an idea on what kind of person I want to be. But I feel like to be that person I have to have money which is a sparse thing for me. Everything is put towards bills or on other things we don't need. I know i shouldn't expect my parents to buy me everything, but to have a wardrobe where things can be put together and I look and feel good would be amazing. I constantly have issues on deciding what to wear. That may seem like not a big deal, but I don't want people do look down on me because of how I dress. One simple outfit can cost $60! once I get a job i will be able to get the things I need and want. It's another reason I feel so disconnected from my generation. Which in some ways is kinda a good thing, but not to the point where you have no clue what is accepted. I honestly sometimes wish I lived a different life. Where I have everything I need, I have a purpose, I'm not ashamed of my body, I have friends who love me. I constantly wish I was older so things would be at least a little clearer. All the things I want to do, I don't think are socially accepted or I am not allowed to do them because of my age. That is why I use music and books to escape.........