2.58 A.M Thoughts

an unsendable letter

Some nights I can't help but think about it. When I finally catch myself some silent moments.
Some time away from all the chaos in my head, When I sit there and think about us.
I see the storm that I just ran through with you, and how I can tell that its still raining.
You might tell me that I'm being over dramatic. And that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.
But for me this is no smaller than a mountain.

I'm broken. I always was.

And when I met you, I was still broken.
You didn't fix me, but you managed to hide some of my scars.

You helped me hold the pain.

Even if it still hurt, you were there to hurt with me.

You never let me hurt alone.

But then there came a point when the hurt got really bad.
And you were nowhere in sight.

You say you love me.

But I just can't come to believe that a person that loves another, can just leave one stranded like that.
Although I may have never experienced love myself, I am almost certain that,

that's not how you treat the one you love.
To just watch me bleed and stare at me with empty eyes.

I feel as if I fell upon you as a burden.
See that's the thing about love.
You can never get tired of wanting to protect that person.

That's all that love is,
making sure they feel safe.

But you see, that's the complete opposite of what you did.

You deserted me, in mid battle.

So I stood there all alone, unarmed, and taking bullets to the chest.
And when I reached out for aid, you were nowhere near me.
I just saw your empty eyes from across the field

I let my walls down for you, I gave you open wounds.

Because you promised to make them better.

And you just seemed to through more acid at the bruises.
The little that they did heal, you managed to make them all fresh again.

You wouldn't understand my hurt.

I can now say, after thinking about it in prolonged silence: That you hurt me.

And I was so positive that no matter what storm and hail I threw at you, you would always be the one person that would never let me down.
I was so sure, that you were the one person that I could always run to and always feel safe, Always.

I was never perfect. Far from it.

But I never did anything out of spite.
I was just so used to keeping up my shields for protection. That I came off as distant.
But I couldn't help it. It was just habitual. Because for the longest time...

I was the only one that could keep myself safe.

Then you came along.
Gave me all this false hope of serenity, and peaceful nights. Little did I know, your promises were warranted.
You didn't mean any of it.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe you wholeheartedly thought you meant it.

Maybe you didn't realize what you were promising me.

Maybe you didn't realize I was going to be this much work. This much of a burden.

I am now sure of two things: either you never loved me.
Or the little 'love' you did attain, has faded.
I'm just positive that it's no longer there.

There was a time when I could close my eyes and fall in to your arms.

When at any moment I would choose you over anyone to run to.

I don't feel that way anymore.
I feel stripped of my barrier.
I feel alone.
I don't feel safe with you anymore.

My mind runs in different directions with all the bad things you could do.

I don't trust you anymore.

I've tried to, but I can't.
And I'm terrified of giving you another chance to break me. Because I'm wounded, and my body can't take this anymore.

I can't take this anymore.
I'm tired of living every night in fear.

Of you making me cry.

Of you not being there, of you not being the person I was once so sure of.

How can I fight for someone I no longer recognize?

You're not the same person I let my walls down for.
You're not the same person I gave myself to. And I can't stress enough - that I'm beyond terrified.
Everyone I have ever let in, has let me down in one way or another. And it really hurts that you turned out to be one of them.

I'm sorry if I disappear. I just can't do this.

I can't keep my walls down for someone who so heartlessly kicked me aside when I became too heavy.
I need someone who can hold it all up with me. Or nobody at all.
And at this point, I really believe.

I'm safer alone.

Until the day I have built my walls up real high again.