Unbounded Derangement

Overture

Who do I see when I look in the mirror?

I see a broken girl who is suffering inside, a girl that is torn between reality and fantasy. She wants be someone of importance in the world, a person that everyone will remember. She demands a lot out of life despite the cards she has been dealt but, she struggles with her fate. She feels ugly inside and out. She thinks she’s overweight, that no one will want to be with her for the rest of her lonely existence, that she’ll die alone. Yet, she wants to make it; she wants to achieve her dreams.

She wants to be happy.

She sees fat around her hips, stretch marks on her body, big ears, and acne on her face. She has her moments where she feels like she’s beautiful. Those moments where she feels like the world appreciates her attractiveness. But then that voice hits her,

‘Who would want to date someone with awkwardly tanned skin, big emerald eyes, braces and, muffin tops that bulge at the seams.’

It tells her how ugly she is and how self-conscience she should be. But she doesn’t want to be that way. She wants to find that right person that’ll appreciate her for who she is, a person that will accept her for her flaws. She knows she destined for failure, yet she prays she has a chance. One day she could be the gorgeous girl in white walking down the aisle. There won’t be anyone to give her away, her mother is as good as dead, and her father?

Well, he left a long time ago.

However, if he loves her he won’t mind that will he? He’ll look past her dysfunctional family and take her even though there is no one to give her to him. Yes, she could be that special someone for him. She could be that special someone for the world. After all, Kayse is just a girl who wants peace in her life.

She’s just a girl who wants to be loved.

Shaky hands backed away from the keys, I felt a little better. I had to let it all out. It had died down some, my mother had finally stopped. The screaming, the beating, and the pain had found its end. Or so I thought. 

I looked away from my computer screen, my eyes finding their way to the mirror in front of the bed. Who I saw was unrecognizable. My mouth fell agape as I slid off the bed, my legs guiding me to the standing mirror in the middle of my bedroom. I knew my face was hurting, I could feel it. But I didn’t think it was going to be this bad.

Battered slender fingers traced their way over a horrid looking face, bruises again, this time worse than ever before. A bleeding nose, busted lip, swollen cheekbones, left eye brutally locked shut and, a mad woman screaming as she tries to break down a barricaded door. I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know who to call, all I could do was sit in front of the mirror and cry. It wasn’t over yet, she wanted me gone this time.

I peeled back my tattered, blood soaked shirt, revealing the heavy injuries underneath. Olive skin was masked by deep violet welts, they were everywhere. The more and more clothing I took away the more they appeared. It came to a point where I was sitting there in a bra and panties wondering why I looked like a beaten giraffe. However, there was no time to think anymore. The woman screaming at my door wasn’t going to leave me alone until I was dead.

“Open the door Kayse! Open the fucking door!”

“It’s your mother!! It’s me sweetie!”

Her fists pounded on the cherry door with force. If it wasn’t for the dresser in front of it she would’ve probably broken it down already.

I curled up into a fetal position on the floor, warm silent tears falling down bruised cheeks. “God if you exist please help me…” I whispered quietly, as the splashing of liquid filled my ears. A pungent smell attacked my nostrils instantly.