A T T E N T I O N rated r
This chapter will touch on sensitive subjects. The views shown by the characters are not my own. Also,this contains a sex scene. Please skip if you are not comfortable with reading it.Thank You.
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Sade.
There was so much explaining to do. So much to tell. So many hidden secrets would come to the light, that was the thing that worried me.
How could I explain to him that yes, the pregnancy test is mine and yes, I didn't tell you. He would never trust me again. I wasn't ready for a child neither was he. So, I did what I thought would be the best possible decision. I kept the baby. But, having an abortion did cross my mind a few times. We judge women saying "having an abortion is wrong, you're killing your own creation, you're taking a life." But, when you're actually put into that position of having a child, you are not prepared for... Ask yourself, what will you do? Are you willing to bring that child into a world where their childhood won't even really be a childhood? Can you actually say that at this very moment you are ready to give birth and raise a baby? No you can't. But for me, I had to suck it up and grow the hell up. Even if I was afraid to.
"I need you to be honest with me Sade. When did you find out you were pregnant?." Carter asked. I bit my lip and swallowed my fear. " last week." I spoke softly. Carter shook his head, I knew he was confused, I was too, I barely knew what I was doing, everything was on impulse. " you weren't gonna tell me...were you?." Carter waited for my answer. I didn't want to tell the truth but lying was not going to make it better. "I was gonna fix it on my own. Honestly, my plan was to have an abortion but- Carter cut me off. " A WHAT?" He yelled. " You mean to tell me, you were going to kill our unborn child without even telling me? You were going to act like it never happened? What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you lost your fucking mind Sade?" He was screaming at me. I was on the verge of tears. But, I refuse to let him yell at me about my decisions when it was MY body we were talking about. " I KEPT IT OKAY? I AM STILL PREGNANT WITH OUR CHILD. I. SAID IT. WAS. A. PLAN! IF YOU DIDN'T CUT ME OFF YOU WOULD'VE KNOWN I CHANGED MY MIND! I WAS EVENTUALLY GOING TO TELL YOU AT THE RIGHT TIME. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS IS LIKE!"
I was screaming at him. All of my frustration about the whole situation came out at that very moment. I know not telling him was wrong but, I didn't know what to do I was just afraid. My face was stained from my hot salty tears. Carter's face softened. He walked over and wrapped his arms around me. " Listen Princess I'm just upset that you didn't tell me, as the father I would want to know, and as your Man, I would never want you to get rid of something WE created from the beautiful intimacy we share. I won't apologize for yelling at you but I do apologize for not listening." He said to me. Even when I didn't deserve his compassion, when I didn't deserve his love, his tenderness, his beautiful soul. He gave it to me, every single time. Here I am, saying I was going to have an abortion without telling him and he's sitting here comforting me when I'm the one who's fucked up. He's so pure. Makes me wonder why someone so pure, so beautiful, feels the way he does. I was going to address it. We were gonna lay everything out on the table tonight.
"Do you love me?" I asked him. He laughed nodding his head. "Of course I do, you know this." I looked into his eyes, I knew he did. I knew he loved me more than anything else in the world. More than himself. "Do you love you?" He didn't answer. He opened his mouth to speak but, slowly closed it. He began to fidget, then run his fingers through his dreads. " Are you truly happy with yourself ?" He started to pace around, eyes searching the room as if our walls held the answer. " Tell me baby, why are you so sad." He stopped pacing to stare at me for a quick moment. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm not sad, I'm not lonely, I am happy with you, you are my happiness Sade, you give me a reason to smile everyday. There's nothing wrong with me shortie, I'm fine." He said sweetly.
I didn't believe anything he said. I know there's something wrong. I know he's hurting. I just need for him to admit his depression so we can work on the solution for him. "Do not lie to me, Carter I am serious, baby what's wrong talk to me" I asked him. He banged on the dresser. " IM NOT SAD, I'M ANGRY! So many people believe that this depression shit is because they're sad. No, depression is anger turned inwards." He looked at me with red glistening eyes. He fell to his knees and broke down. "Why did I let her do that to me? She beat me every day and night. I was afraid to cut my hair because all of my friends would see the scars from the belt. Why wasn't I quick enough to save Faith before that man took away her innocence. I sat in that room crying while my little sister was being raped, I was afraid he would hurt me. I've been so selfish. What kind of brother vows to protect his little sister and when the time comes for him to keep his word, he becomes meek? Why did I leave Mekhi that night. If I stayed a little longer with him my best friend would still be breathing, we would still play 2k together and argue about Hip-Hop albums. It's all my fault. It's always been my fault. My pops has always been right about me. I'm too soft to really be a Man.
He was sobbing on his knees, head hanging low. He looked vulnerable as ever. And I pushed him there but, it was for the better. He never talked about his back story and now I know why. "Carter, come here, come to me love" I whispered to him. I walked over to him and he met me halfway. "None of that is your fault you are only human, you are not God. You didn't know any of that was going to happen. You can't let that hold you down forever baby. That's unwanted cargo." I said tenderly. "I've asked for forgiveness, Carter said and I got nothing. No feeling came over me. The presence of a high power I have yet to feel." Carter semi- whispered. "Do not let any of this shake your faith, That is an energy beyond our imagination, so when you doubt God or whatever you want to call it, you doubt an energy greater than you and I. I wasn't religious but my mother raised me to be very spiritual. I believe everything was connected and happened for a reason. The Universe works in mysterious ways. "I believe in a high power mama, by the divinity and grace of it I found you. That's why I love you so much because you came at the right time. I was searching for a Blessing and I got lucky with a soulmate. You're my muse, your happiness is what keeps me happy." Carter spoke clearly. " with me being the source of your happiness, you'll loose yourself in me." I spoke to him. "Then let me get lost." He said smirking.
I gave him a kiss and smiled. He pulled me back for another one. He pecked my lips and mumbled " Say, baby... can I be Your slave? I've got to admit girl you're the shit girl... and I'm digging you like a grave" Carter began to undress me. "I don't think it's the right time babe, you're emotionally everywhere right now and - I was rambling on and on. "Girl shut the fuck up and let me make love to you. And don't worry you can have sex when your pregnant. Now let me get lost inside of you."
He had me in my undergarments within a minute. I gasped when I felt his teeth pull down my panties, I was dripping wet with anticipation. "Fuck the foreplay shortie, I see you ready for it all." He said lowly. Carter came back up and undid my bra, he began to kiss on my neck and whispered in my ear "Now, do they call you Daughter to the Spinning Pulsar... " He put my leg on his shoulder. "or maybe Queen of 10,000 moons?" He lightly wrapped his hand around my neck. "Sister to the Distant yet Rising Star? " I hitched my breath as he took my right breast into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around my nipple. He kissed the left and said "Is your name Yemaya?" He slide himself inside me "Oh, hell no. Its got to be Oshun." I moaned his name as he finished his little LoveHall Monologue. He was deep inside me, giving me slow thrusts and whispering sweet sexy nothings into my ear. With every pump I fell in love all over again. This is what he wanted and I wanted him inside of me forever. This...right here was pure ecstasy. Those " oh fuck", "shit baby", "I'm so fucking close" Drove me crazy, it was sexy as hell.
I was so close to my orgasm. The 1st of the many he was going to give me. I knew our conversation about those topics were gonna resurface the next day, making amazing love to me wasn't getting him off that easy. But until then I enjoyed him fucking my lights out.
Still, I wasn't even prepared for the storm that was waiting for us on the horizon. I wish I would've known, love could drive Man to the brink of Insanity.
