Made For You

Chapter 1

As I walk I take in the crisp autumn air, feeling a light breeze on my face. The leaves fall from the trees finding a new home on the ground.  Every step I take I hear leaves crunch under my black combat boots. I adjust my black beanie that sits on top of my wavy chestnut colored hair, so that it doesn't fall off of my head.

Im not anywhere fancy like London or Paris. I'm in an average park in my hometown, Bristolewood, it has a lot of trails and nature attractions. I find it beautiful so I come out here to walk and clear my head. It's pretty quiet here due to the fact that it's a Sunday afternoon and it's not that warm out.

The trail I'm walking on is pretty narrow and definitely wouldn't fit two people. There is a river below the path about ten feet down and on the other side is another trail. I finish up walking on that trail and go to another one that's hidden behind a couple of trees.

As I walk down the trail I take in the amazing sites and think of how much I've always loved the fall. I especially love the fact that you can wear tights with oversized sweaters and beanies and not get hot. That would be my favorite type of outfit as I usually go for comfort when dressing. There is really no reason not to, not like I have anyone to impress. 

I get almost to the end of the path and go right off into the woods. I know what you're thinking "Is she stupid? This is how horror movies start. Df did she go into the woods for?" The answers to those questions are, probably, maybe it would be fun to be chased by a tall guy in a ski mask, it's actually my fantasy. I'm kidding. This area actually holds my favorite spot in this town. There is a tall, thick, weeping willow tree that you can't see through. The leaves cascade all the way to the ground so to get under it you have to open it like curtains. I walk under it taking in the dim space. Weeping willows are my favorite type of tree and inside of the leaves it's empty. On the other half of the tree the leaves are about five feet off the ground leaving enough room for me to walk under it.

As I walk through the light from the sun scorches my eyes like a flash grenade would. I image the face I'm making is not attractive at all. I laugh to myself and walk up to the old iron bench that you can tell was put there a long time ago. The garden bench is shaped in leaf like swirls. It is painted black and you can tell because it's chipping at the bottom of the legs. I take a seat and look around me. There is a small pond in front of me and a waterfall above the far side of the pond. The grass back here is bright green and there is a little patch of flowers to the right of me near the trees. It's a small area but it's also the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The trees still have leaves but some have started falling off into the pond. The view was breathtaking, to me at least.

I think of how amazing it would be to share this moment with a boyfriend. Dream about sitting on the bench talking to him. Kissing under the willow tree and even swimming under the water fall, but Those dreams are short lived once I come back to reality and realize I've never even had a real relationship. The two guys I was "with" were just terrible. The first one, Andrew, wanted to kill me and the second, David, was into bdsm and wanted to ball gag me. Andrew didn't really talk to me in person he was the stereotypical "emo". He didn't even ask me out. My friend, at the time, knew I liked him so she casually said "You two should date" and he said "Alright". The pressure was on me when she asked me if I wanted to date him to which I responded with a "Sure" but I wasn't sure at all, I was only 14. I tried to break up with him but it was a tough situation because he threatened to kill himself.

Being 14 and not wanting someone to die because of me I got back with him. Only to break up with him for the final time. The he wrote me in his book of death twenty four times, because I "broke his heart". The idiot posted it on instagram or I wouldn't have ever found out about it. Luckily my friend sent me a screenshot. A lot of my friends were in the book. They pressured me into telling on him. I did and everyone called me a snitch. He went to school appointed therapy and "got better". He got suspended for a few days because they found the book on him. He was carrying it around and showing people.

Two years later I meant David. David and I "dated" for four months and he wouldn't even kiss me. It was a very immature relationship and he was too scared to even hold hands in front of his family. He was weirdly close to his sister too. When I was with them I felt like he was dating her and not me. David's reason for breaking up with me was that "we never hangout". He gave me that excuse after picking up three extra curricular activities. I made him feel emasculated because I drove and was a year older than he was. When we broke up all of my friends I introduced him to would always hangout with him. Every time I tried to hangout with them they were busy. Which is funny because they were posting group selfies on Snapchat. So after a couple months of feeling super lonely and and trying to make plans I cut them off. Which made me feel even worse. I'm better now, sure I have no friends but I have a great family.

There was also this guy that I "dated" for an hour at a football game but I don't count him. He asked me out in person and I couldn't say no. Things got weird when he tried to tell me he loved me after an hour, so I politely told him that he should grab a chainsaw, turn it on and have anal with it.  I'm joking, I just told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was 14 at the time and honestly I did want a relationship. Who doesn't want to find "true love" in their teenage years. I did but it turns out true love didn't want to find me. So I had my first kiss when I was seventeen. I was at a high school party during the summer and I was a bit drunk. Okay, maybe I was 10 cups in and wasted. So I kissed a boy from my science class. It's weird because I know I kissed him but I don't remember how it felt or anything. What's funny are the snapchats I posted that night that I didn't even remember. One said "drunk and still killing it" another "wasted and feeling stupid af #JBGetWithMe" then I posted one that said "oops I blinked" but it was actually a fire selfie. My eyeliner was on point that night.

It's funny how you want something so bad and then mess it up so much when it happens. Like when you finally get the nerve to talk to your crush. He says hi, you blush mutter hi really fast and speed walk away. It's terrible how you could want something with your entire being and never experience it. Like meeting your celebrity crush, hoping that walking around New York for six hours would pay off for just a glimpse of him. It's just crazy how something you want could also petrify you by just the thought of it. Like standing on stage singing in front of thousands of people or falling in love.