Loving him

Maria Blaise

   

        Nine years later.

I watched through the little jet of the airplane the white and fluffy clouds, leaving me for a few seconds captivated by the beauty that unfolded before my eyes. My white and trembling fingers slightly touched the glass surface and glowed at the cold contact. Returning to the place I was pulled from struck me in the softness of my head before I could perceive the fatal blow. Before I have the opportunity to run in the opposite direction.

Our mother's death has taken us away, making us want a new beginning. Or at least, my dad wants it. Because I cared a bit about how my life would go from now on. A completely new life. No friends, no fun, just me and my dad. I was to be an invisible person among celebrities. An empty, devoid soul, surrounded by joy and life.

I will miss my life beforehand. Happiness. Love. Trust. All these things we lost with the woman who grew up like my own child. It seemed as if I missed even the days when my father drowned in alcohol and did not care about me. With his awakening to reality, my whole existence had disappeared suddenly. Who was you, Maria Gunn? You were once an obedient little girl, with time you became a rebellious teenager, and now ... You have no world in which you live. You want to feel the fresh air again by invading your lungs and the euphoria of drugs pulsing in your veins. You became Maria Kassandra Blaise. A being without heart and feelings.

The heavy eyelids fell over my tired iris and sigh in defeat, stretching my legs under the seat in front of me. Past imagery was running in my mind, but in front of my eyes, I was passing one night. The evening in which I gave up prejudice and gave myself to a man I did not love. In the evening, for the first time, I felt the hot drug enveloping me in its gaps:

A year ago:

I flipped the syringe between my fingers, while the veins of my hand were masking. I left my soft body on the old and dusty couch of the basement of a deserted block, and I spread my friend's syringe. His hot fingers began to slowly massage my wrist and close my eyes before I felt the euphoria squeezing in my veins. Yarris smiled at me by pulling my needle out of my veins and looking at the little stump of blood pounding on my palm. My friends made a circle around me, most likely waiting for my reaction.

The first drog, the first vice and the first addiction.

For an unpredictable reason, the whole world expected me to be the model daughter. Listening and magnificent. A child abandoned by parents should feel grateful when clinging to a warm chest. An unknown chest because it was not good enough to deserve true parental love. I do not want to be among them. Among the children who have mercy for hours on end. Among those who, in a family, forget where they left. Like all of them, I was once a gentle soul. I loved, hoped, and now I hate. I hate the contemptuous sense of life.

"The Junkies " - I've heard so often this call describing myself and my friends that I was starting to think we were just that. When it actually connects us with a painful past. I had a family. God, I received it even if I did not want to have it! And why was it offered to me? Just being a witness to her breakup? I forgot all I was once. What I liked to do. Who I was spending my time with. A single name resounded me loudly and clearly in the tambourines, with a gentle, sad face:

Hades.

I had not managed to forget those blue eyes so resembling the turbulent water of the sea, looking at me through the iron bars of the gate, but I left the past behind and started a new life. No matter how much I wanted to visit, my new parents took me away. Far from him and everything I once had. I did not miss, the reminiscences of his memory began to disappear, and I would bloom in my group. A rebellious group of rebels. Sometimes I even wondered what happened to that obedient little girl. Probably matured. The loss of yet another mother has repudiated her and so became the opposite of what was at the beginning.

My brown and long hair, which my mother stubbornly did not cut off, now wore the color of a washed-up blonde. My eyes filled with happiness and hope, at this moment, wearing a deformed color. Lack of sentiment and lack of strength. An empty look and a broken soul. My lips are dry and loose because of dehydration. My adoptive father, the only one I had the support of before meeting my friends, had given up on alcohol with the death of our guardian angel.

Our house was then just a place to rest, a place where we did not return until the body gave way. An empty nest left by the one that gave it life. Her crystalline cry still spoke to me in eerily when, in a hurry, I was passing the threshold of the room. Her gentle face stared at me from the dusty images, and I knew that if he had been with us, he would strive to bring us along the right path, but she can not return, and I can no longer be justified. Here I found my refuge. I filled the empty place in the stomach with the burning taste of the alcoholic drink and my veins pumped me. Illegal substances instead of pain and feeling of loneliness.

I shook my head when the euphoria caught me in her claws and I got up smiling from the old couch, taking Yarris's hand to mine. His blond hair, slightly curled, hides much of his face, falling lazily over his left eye. His big hands gathered around my fragile body. I felt my weak legs, and my ears throbbed over my exaggerated music.

   - Are you feeling alright? She asks me, putting a fine kiss on my wrist.

  - Mhm, I answer halfheartedly, leaving my head on his shoulder. I want to do something crazy Yarris!

The same evil smile shrinks on my lips, making me giggle  and grip my arms around her. Yarris, for me, is simply a good friend. But for him, I'm the missing piece of bread he had been waiting for so long. An of different and yet so similar. We shared the same crudest Fate to look at our mother deepening beneath the black and damp ground. The same pain glowed our heart, and so we became inseparable. Two souls trapped in the cage of the past. A past too harsh and a future unprepossessing in the eyes.

I turned my eyes around the meg looking at my friends on the peaks, but I knew this was due to the drug glowed with the fire of the lighter in a rusty teaspoon. I did not even realize that when I shook my legs, I let Yarris carry her to one of the empty flats. His hungry lips attacked mine, and his strong flavor enveloped my mouth. His hands tightened my hips and giggled as they slowly climbed my shoulders, banishing my Leather Jacket.

  - What could be more crazy about that? He asks me, fixing me with my gaze and swallowing in my head. What I feel for you, believe me, is pure madness! I let myself be carried by his words and the euphoria that crossed my body stretching out on one of the dusty beds.

Present.

I opened alarmed eyes on the people around me. My heart was beating and my throat was dying because of alarmed breathing. Dad looked at me with big eyes and I shrugged my shoulders, settling myself better in that stool that became inconvenient, felt my bones banging, and my little tingles crossed my legs. I promise we'll see Yarris's words sooner than they were leaving, and I could hardly swallow the persistent nodule in my throat.

I felt my soul desolate and in my heart she was pushing the same goal forever. That missing part I chose to replace it with burning strength. I looked at my wrist and massaged the absent place where the needle throb was still visible. The effect of the drug was going to pass soon and I did not want to imagine how the hunger would be manifested to me. Itching has hallucinated strong dizziness and fainting. Everything would hit me like a hungry predator throws herself on her own prey.

We try to keep myself lucky until we land. One place I did not want to see from this whole city, the place where I spent my childhood. That gloomy place that marked my existence, turning me into a notorious fear. How can you survive being a coward between the brave? If you can not defeat them, join them. And so I did. I pretended to be one and the same as when I was actually hiding my face under the blanket, sometimes the darkness was over the hour.

That's me now. Maria Kassandra Blaise. A pretended one among the pretended and a sinner among the sinners.