Peek inside my mind.

Is this a relapse?

So, I'm a bit concerned at the moment. I found some pills in my house. I know what you're thinking. Are you going to kill yourself? No, Jesus Christ. I was curious so I took two. I thought to myself that they are small, so how much harm can they do? I was just being stupid though because I know damn well what it can do. After an hour or so I felt sleepy but not that "Oh, I'm going to nap." No, the one where you feel you can barely keep your eyes open. The thing is, I knew it was the pills. I couldn't help myself. I used to do this on the daily. Grab a bottle of pills and take some. My intent then was to die but now, if someone asked why... I wouldn't know what to say. I don't want to die but if I'm being honest... I wouldn't mind. I'm so fucked. This was in the morning and I took two more just an hour ago because the truth is, I loved it. The rush of feeling my heart pound then slow down. Sleeping not because I want to but because my body can't stay awake. I'm addicted to the feeling. I could lie and say it won't happen again but the whole point of me writing is to be honest with myself. The truth is, I am going to do it again. Usually if it doesn't give me side affects on the first try, I leave it but... this one. I don't know what to do.