Ive Given Up

drowning

Two inches. Two inches of water is all it takes. Two inches of something that is necessary and essential to most beings on earth. Two inches of water can end a life. Two inches of water almost ended mine.

I was careless and didn't see the signs giving warnings about the current. But I knew I had gone to far because my body was was being pulled in all directions. My head was being whipped around and barely made it to the surface, but when it did I would get as much oxygen as possible. I tried swimming towards the shore but I didn't even know which way was up and which way was down. I didn't even know where my body was. I was terrified. I truly thought that this was how I was going to die.

I was still tumbling through the water when I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head.

I could no longer hear the water rushing past my ear or as it crashed into the rocks behind me. I couldn't hear the sound of my own deafening heart beat.

I could no longer taste the saltiness of the waves even though they were rushing into my mouth, making my body become more like the water every second.

I could no longer see my own hand in front of my face. I couldn't see into the dark abyss that was quickly welcoming me.

I COULD feel the current flowing over my body. I could feel my lungs filling up with water. I could feel the life as it began to drain from me.

It was there in that moment that one....blissful moment. I felt alive as I was dying. More alive than I have ever felt. I let everything go. All the fights with my parents, the stress about my grades, the struggle of finding my place. Let go. All of it was gone and nothing could have been better. I wished that the water would just finish me off already so I wouldn't have to go back to the life that I was living.

I was at peace. It seemed as if my life couldn't have been better even though it was only a few moments from ending. My body had reached the point of no return. My eyes didn't burn. I wasn't gasping for air where there was none. My mind was clear and my almost lifeless body was ready to go. I felt as if I was no longer apart of it, that it was just a floating piece of mass surrounded by a substance that had already taken so many. I felt like I was already gone. I wish I was.

But suddenly, someone grabbed me and it was like I was sucked back into my body. As we broke the surface I could feel to cool air of the night on my skin. I could feel hands pushing on my chest trying to beat the water out of me. I could feel someone's lips on mine as air was was being forced into my lungs. I could feel the water as it made its way up burning my throat.

Then I could do more than feel. I could taste the water as it came sputtering out of my mouth. I could hear the sobs of my best friend beside me. I could see the looks on the faces of the terrified people around me. I could feel my breathing becoming even once again. And I knew that I was going to be okay.

Even though it was a long time ago, the memory is still burned in my mind. Feeling numb, not feeling anything at all. Feeling death reaching out and me returning the gesture. Had there been only a few more moments and I would have been gone.

After what happened I was rushed to the hospital. I can't remember anything that happened there. Its like my mind won't let me remember. These memories fight back as I try and continue the secrets they hide. I'm in a pit that I can't climb out of. I know that I need to push past this and try to live my life as normal as possible.

The next week I returned to school where I could feel everyone's eyes on me. The news must have spread quickly. All of my teachers gave my sympathetic looks and said "Its okay". My friends welcomed me back with open arms, but they were cautious. It was as I'd they thought the wrong move, the wrong sound, the wrong look would shatter me. They were right. I was shattered again and again until I felt like a pile of dust, little pieces being blown away every time someone so much as breathed. Pretty soon I'll be nothing but a memory to the people who cared.

My parents would watch me like a hawk. Every movement of mine was followed by their watchful gaze. they sent me to many therapist convinced that what happened haunted me every second of every day. They didn't know how right they were. But it wasn't dying that haunted me.

I wasn't scared of my life ending, I wasn't scared of the water either. In fact I wished I had embraced it because now I'm sacred of living. It was so easy, so nice. Nothing to worry about. I thought my life was over, but I was wrong. But I was right at the same. My old life was gone and already forgotten. My new life, well I can't really say what its like because I don't even know myself. I'm a new person. I'm not sure if that enlightens me or terrifies me.

This new me is no longer filled with rainbows and butterfly. This new me is no longer happy and joyful. This new me isn't afraid of abandoning everything and everyone I know and love. This new me isn't afraid of looking at the people that I once loved and feeling nothing. I'm glad that there's so little that scares me, but I'm not fearless. I am afraid of getting out of bed in the morning. I'm afraid of the person I see in the mirror.

I was often asked if I could go back in time, would I? People only ask that because they want to hear some inspirational crap about how you've been changed and how you've seen through another's eyes. So I tell them what they want. I tell them that I would, that I've learned from this "experience", that I can reflect back on this "experience", that I have seen through another's eyes, and I don't like what I've seen. They devour every word I feed them. But the truth is if I could go back, I would. But I would make sure I stayed under.

These thoughts and feelings have taken over because I didn't know any better. I knew that something needed to be done, but I didn't know what. After awhile I figured if I did nothing I would just forget about it and it would be in the past, and in the past it would stay.