journal

it is a new day

i dont feel the creativity flowing through my bones like i did yesterday. last night, i felt i could write a thousand words, and add a thousand adjectives to those thousand words. i do not have a want for anything, i do not have any complaints, i am neutral. i did a very bad thing last night, which i do not feel guilty about. why do i not feel guilty? i feel nothing for it. it was his choice, but i encouraged it. why did i do this? my need for attention, my need to be needed, my need to be the only thing on somebodys mind. i am not guilty. he should be the guilty one, but neither of us are. the guy i am still deeply in love with has not talked to me in weeks; this burns through my heart with a hot metal rod. i feel my grip loosening, though. without physical touch, without the emotional high he gave me, without the late night conversations, i am not welded onto him. i feel myself freeing from his grasp. i feel nothing, i am neutral. i have no emotions. a few days ago i was drowning in my own tears and beating myself down into the darkest, deepest hole, while now i lay in bed without a thought. is it because ive distracted myself all day? i have not had a conversation all day. i have talked to my sister, my dad, my brother, his friend, but i have not talked. my thoughts have not popped through the bubble inside of my mind, if there are any thoughts. i feel no need to squish and squeeze. there is no funnel today, i am a wide open door. the flow is not heavy, there is no need for a door this wide. i feel, that when i am not sad, i have no thoughts. i must be sad. constantly. i must have my feelings consistently twisted and abused or i have no thoughts to produce. maybe this is because i am not sure how to be happy? happy is out of the ordinary. happy is not normal and happy is unusual. when i am happy, my moldable brain has not been molded enough to have the power to survive in this situation. i feel as if ive been on autopilot all day. i have not sat and thought. i have filled my brain with demeaning youtube videos that serve no purpose. just entertainment. when i do not judge people, i do not have thoughts. when i do not envy people, i do not have thoughts. when i do not complain and compare my own life to others' lives, i do not have thoughts. wait, i must have thoughts. i have wrote 450 words. but are those my thoughts? my head feels empty. maybe i have been writing down nonsense for the past few minutes. maybe this all means nothing. my head is like my battery. 4% full. goodbye

7/14/17  fri 7:37 logged