Aphelion

Feelings

experiencing life in emotions: an attempt

confusion. i feel conflicted lately. everything is everywhere and nowhere at the same time, it makes me feel dizzy and overwhelmed and terrified and confused and so much more. maybe it's because i can't figure out what exactly i'm really feeling. maybe it's why everyone feels the same way. there is so much feeling in each and every being, and to be able to label all emotion is probably impossible. i don't know if i'm comforted or intimidated by that.

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desperation. i'm drowning and i don't know how to save myself. it's one thing to seek help, but another to become so dependent on it. i'd never wanted this to happen, but i can't ever turn back time and who knows if i can ever stop these thoughts. all i want is a way out, but i'm still drowning and i am on the verge of collapsing in my mind and nothing makes sense anymore because the only thing i'm forced to focus on is the gray behind bars and emerging cracks on the walls.

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exhaustion. it's tiring, to live. to struggle to find reasons for being alive every single day. is feeling empty an emotion? is not feeling anything at all a sort of emotion, too? maybe it's the weight of everything that's been pulling me down, but a voice inside tells me it was always there, has always been there - right from the start. and i'm just going deeper, further, and i can't save myself anymore because i'm just so tired. so, so tired, i want to let go.

hello. so i kinda went on a rather long and impromptu hiatus because i just sort of lost motivation to write and all, but now i'm hopefully(?) back (:

i found this written in my drafts from some time ago and i thought i'd post it even though it's not really completed.

also...rest in peace, jonghyun. you've fought hard. you're in a better place now - there is no more pain, not anymore. rest well. we love you.