Promises\\ Bittersweet Blip

3. Examples... Year 10

"I promise I won't hurt myself until Maria is ten years old"
And that's exactly what he did. Yao occupied himself with teaching Maria extra lessons, helping Antonio manage his garden, cooking every meal they ate,  and occasionally taking random part time jobs for four whole years. Somehow, the promise kept him going, even though he still felt horrible sometimes.
One day he realized that Maria would be turning eleven soon. He was ashamed to realize that his first thought was 'I'm allowed to cut myself now'.
Yao pushed the thoughts away, roughly stopping any train of thought that lead to self harm. However... ever so slowly they started creeping in without him even realizing it.
At first it was small things. He would trace old scars with his finger nails. His eyes would linger on scissors left out. His eyes would linger on razor blades in the bathroom.
Slowly but surely he was losing himself to old thoughts. They built up and up until...

There he was in the kitchen, in the middle of preparing lunch for himself and Antonio while Maria was at school, examining a rather sharp knife. Antonio was in the other room. Nobody would have to know if...
Pushing up his sleeve, Yao held the knife above his wrist. Hand trembling, he made himself bleed for the first time in four years.
At first he hardly put any pressure on the knife, but as he picked it up and moved down his wrist an inch, Yao let it sink in further.
Then he heard Antonio's footsteps coming closer. Yao panicked, and dropped the knife in the sink, turning on the water, and tried to wash the blood away.
"Yao?"
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, not turning around.
Antonio came up behind him, and Yao gave up washing his wrist off. "Don't be sorry."
Yao turned around and Antonio hugged him.
"Yao, I think this hurts me more than it hurts you."
He said nothing in response.
"When you act like nothing matters and everything is terrible, it feels like you're saying that Maria and I are worthless to you."
"It's not that. It's that I'm worthless. I should have died a long time ago."
"No. No, you are not worthless. I don't know where I would be if I wasn't with you."
"Probably with someone better."
"No. Without you I wouldn't have a daughter."
"You probably would."
"Yao, it wouldn't be Maria. She is amazing because of you."
"No. Honestly how much of me do you see in her?"
"Yao, please."
"No, really. Look at her, how much does she look and act like you?"
"Yao, please stop..."
"No. She could be so much better if it wasn't for me."
"Yao..."
"I ruin everything. I should be dead."
Antonio didn't respond this time.
"I am nothing." Yao started scratching at his wrist, making the cuts bleed again and making new ones too.
Antonio went over to the sink, picked up the knife, and rinsed it off. For a moment, Yao thought that he was going to throw it away, but he took it and stood right in front of the smaller man.
"So, does it actually work?"
"What?"
"Cutting. Does it make you any less upset?"
Yao stared at him.
"Because honestly... I could use a mental pain reliever too."
"Toni..."
"I'm serious, Yao. Does it work or not?" Antonio started holding the knife above his wrist.
"Toni, please don't." Yao was horrified. He couldn't tell if the younger man was just trying to make a point or if he was really wanting to hurt himself.
"Does it work?" the younger man repeated.
"Toni, please stop."
"Are you going to answer me?"
Yao held his breath, unsure of how to answer.
And then Antonio did it. He dragged the blade across his wrist, hissing as he did so.
"No! Stop!" Yao lunged for the knife, pulling it out of Antonio's grip.
"You see?"
Yao frowned. "See what?"
"That's how I feel when you hurt yourself. Then you make it imposible for me to comfort you at all."
"You... " Yao relaxed slightly. "Don't do that to me."
"You don't do that to me."