our M.A.PE.H. teacher, who was really liked to convey real life events in her class, once held an activity where everyone would show the negativities that they felt inside of them from experiences.
since there was atleast 45 of us, the activity spanned out to two subject periods in two seperate days.
each hour of that activity, nearly everyone of us has something to say that made atleast half of the class worried or in tears.
i was very reluctant on going to the front to talk about everything in my chest, but Z and D was there to support me.
P, one of my new friends that i made to my ultimate big brother, was finished with his own story and was being comforted by his squad, so he didn't notice me going up.
when i was done i was holding back tears.
after that hour was done it was dismissal, and almost everyone was crying and holding their friends.
D, P, Z and i were no exception.
Z, out of everyone from our circle of friends, had one of the most devastating background when it came to family problems.
i had the most mysterious and dark one when it came to internal fights and feelings.
i wanted to leave early since i didn't like the atmosphere of the classroom.
i used the most private and unused staircase of the building since i hate noises.
on the way down i saw Z sitting on the steps, crying silently.
i sat down next to him, and before i knew it we were talking about our pasts.
it's like our internal demons were coinciding, talking if they had enough and move on from the hardships of life.
or atleast, that's what i felt.
he suggested that we take a walk around the campus, and i followed.
i can easily tell myself that that afternoon was the best time i've had with him for my whole grade seven year.
since then we've been inching closer and closer, along with P, M (another brother-like friend) and D.
grade seven left me good memories of his.
Z and i always spent time together.
but there are times where he goes with the popular ones, where he belongs.
he was quite popular because of his looks.
so i always questioned his friendship with me.
was he just using me?
was he just pitying me?
what if he actually hates me?
do i deserve someone like him?
all of these thoughts corrupted me for a while.
i doubt he didn't notice.
i talked to him about it.
he hated me for even thinking about that.
that assured me.
through out the school year, i treated him as a friend and a brother.
at my birthday, P, Z and i spent the whole afternoon playing games at a distant internet shop.
it was a good day.
better than my previous birthdays, to be completely honest.
at our last day, when it was dismissal, he was crying and holding out his friends.
i was one of those friends.
not being the sentimental type, i just hugged and comforted him, telling him that this was just the start of everything.
weeks later i asked him to spend the entire day with me alone to play video games and eat out.
he said sure.
it was only when i saw him standing and waiting for me infront of our schoolgate did i realize that i asked him out in a date.
but i just let it pass me since i convinced myself that it was just a friendly date.
that day was surely remarkable.
but in some weird way, it only serves as sad memories for me now, even though it shouldn't.
we had fun, we really did.
so why do i hate remembering it now?
anyway after that 'date', i thought about what he was really to me.
then i realized my stupidity when he chatted me about how the day was fun.
i like him.
Z.
the friend and brother that i clinged on.
it wasn't a nice feeling, since i hate the concept of love overall.
maybe, just maybe, if i was a bit stronger, more determined, it shouldn't have happened.
but i was weak.
i liked him.
fuck.
