The Love That Builds Me

Prologue: It's been a year

Today is June 12th. It has been exactly a year since I left my home. My friends. Exactly one year ago I set foot into what my parents would quickly begin to call our new "home" (I was not so quick to call this shit hole any such thing). A lot can change in a year. To much if you ask me (but no one does). Sometimes it feels like Everything  is moving so fast I can't truly grasp anything that's happening.

I feel Empty. Dead inside. But I don't want to die... exactly. I wish I could just float away with a bundle of helium balloons in hand like something out of a dream and just cease to exist. I'd give almost anything. But that isn't how this story goes. There are no ballons. No dreams of my own. I do exist. I am what I am. I am where I am. And right now that is the most terrifying thing in the world.

Where do I go from here? Am I wasting away? Do I want to waste away? How do I keep moving? Clearly I am. I've done a lot of things this year. Does any of it matter? Do I matter? All these questions swarm in my head like insects, spreading through my body building a hive in my insides. Filling me till I can't breathe anymore. I can't hear anything over the beating of my own heart. And I just want it all to stop.

It is 2:00AM on July 12th... and 5 minutes ago I was in my bed. And now I am sitting on my bathroom floor in the dark with hands pressed against my ears. As if they can keep out the sound of my own heart beat. I am trying to breathe. Trying to make up for all the air that didn't seem to make it into my lungs in the last 5 minutes. I am trying to stop thinking about the questions I don't have an answer too.

Once my heart stops trying to beat out of my chest and the insect like jumble of emotions inside me has settled. I return to my bedroom. Sleep no longer feels  like an option so I pull out a notebook and pen and begin to write. I write a list of everything that has happened in the last year.

Here is what I came up with...

 Important things that have happened this year

1. MOVING ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY.

2. Losing Dear friends.

3. Gaining dear friends. 

4. Falling in love for the first time (shit show...).

5. Sex (the loss of my virtue... also a shit show...). 

6. Alot of Sneaking out of my house in the dead of night.

7. Telling my parents about the Sid event.

8. Seeing a counselor for the first time.  

9. Breaking a couple hearts (she's a coldhearted snake, look into her eyes). 

This is all that comes to mind for now. It's a strong list I think. Its the basis for what I desperately want to tell you about. Though I'll admit im not even sure why I'm so compelled  to tell you all this. I think I just need to see the words and know they are real. And mine. And they can't be taken away from me. Yes... that's as good an answer as I got.