Crumbled

How He Saved Me Part 1

At First Sight

The first time I saw him I loved him. I knew it.
I guess you could say it was love at first sight if you wanna be all cheesy with it.
Anyway it wasn't like I sat down looked over and drooled or had a nosebleed or something. This isn't a cartoon.
But I did feel connected nonetheless. He had piercing blue eyes that captivated your attention. Warm hands that looked gentle enough you would allow them to hold your heart. His smile made you feel safe with just one glance.
At the time I first saw him his hair was as blue as his eyes. As blue as you would imagine the Pacific ocean to be. A blue like the sky right as the warm rays of the sun had some through the clouds at dawn.
Enticing as it all was it seemed unreal. Like some fantasy I had only dreamt of as a small nine year old.
One think I hadn't realized about him, it wasn't obvious which enthralled me even more, was that he was more similar to me than one could ever imagine. I didn't know ask of this at first sight. In fact I saw him just this once. A few short hours at a support group, one which he wanted to be a new member of, and after he disappeared.

We Meet Again

It has been so long, yet not long at all, that I had seen him. This period of time inflicted a short break of him from my mind. I stopped spending every moment thinking about him and nearly forgot after a week.
Then three weeks from the first time I saw him at this group again, as it met once a week every week.
He changed a bit. His hair was blond now. It looked like this was his natural hair color. For some reason even without stunning hair I still couldn't help but look over every once in a while, when I was sure he wasn't looking in my direction.
I grew the courage to finally even look at him more than five seconds, then soon got within a few feet of his presence, then at last spoke.
"Hey. I saw you a few weeks ago. I'm glad you're back."
Oh shit. What if that was too personal. What if he sees I'm blushing. God, please don't notice.
"Yea I had to leave for awhile. But I'm back."
Leave? Like for a trip? Maybe. No, don't ask.
"What'd you have to leave for?"
Dammit why am I so stupid?
Then all of the sudden, like a fucking ninja this small boy, maybe two inches smaller than him,  comes up behind him and grabs onto his arm, as if he'd been doing it all of his life. He clings as if it's the last person he'll ever get to touch.
I tried to ignore the fact that my mind scattered to a million different options.
Maybe this was his boyfriend. That would mean he's gay. But maybe he could be a little brother, or a close friend. Not with the way he looks at him. Can't be. What if he's taken.
I realized I hadn't spoken in what felt like years. I opened my mouth to repeat my question, but my mouth felt dry and I couldn't look him in the eye all of the sudden.
I shifted my glance down slightly and noticed a fucking sign from God.
When his "friend" had grabbed his arm he pulled his flannel off of his shoulder, just a bit. But it had been enough for me to notice that piece of spandex-like material on his collarbone, the one I knew all too well.
I was so stricken by relief I blurted my next thought without thinking.
"Are you trans?" I pointed to his shoulder as I asked.
His "friend" had a look of complete fear in his eyes. I have never seen someone so terrified in my life. That already half answered my question.
He smiled warmly and answered.
"Yea. Actually me and my friend Eric are. My name's Kai by the way."
He outstretched his hand and I could've melted there. Then I shook his hand and almost did.
I excused myself to the bathroom and almost ran down the hallway and locked the door as I entered  the small room before me.
His trans. I'm not the only one here anymore. And he said friend. That means he might be single. But maybe he's not gay. What if he doesn't wanna date another trans guy. What if he thinks I'm obnoxious and doesn't even like me anyway.
I

looked up into the mirror and what I saw scared me yet made me happy. I saw all of the flaws.
The way my own chest binder had peeked from under my geeky star wars t-shirt. The way my hair looked crumpled and unwashed even though I had taken a shower a few hours ago.
I saw every feature that said girl. Everything that I thought was gross.
I knew I had no shot. But that didn't hold back my ridiculous and unnecessary perseverance from saying you can do it! over and over.
I walked out of the bathroom slowly to keep my panic attack under control. I was visibly shaking so it was kind of hard.
He saw me and patted a spot to his left while Eric on his right glared at him. He didn't seem to care though. He didn't even look over at Eric he just watched me walk towards him until I sat down.
"You okay, bud?" He spoke with so little effort and such delicacy it seemed impossible. Yet here was a perfect human being sitting before me. Real and alive.
"Yea I'm okay." I responded. "I realized I never told you my name. I'm Xander."
I blushed and did that thing my mom always told me not to do where my shoulders seemed to collapse in their sockets and retreat into my body. It sounds painful but it wasn't.
It was my way of protecting those fragile emotions that were kept inside in that little glass bottle that could crumble any second.
Kai noticed and kind of tilted his head, as if he had never seen a person recede into themselves before.
"I like that name."
Were we still taking? I guess so. His voice is angelic. I wouldn't go that far. But it's calming. Relaxed. "Are you okay?" He smiled at me and I realized I had zoned off into my own world.
"Yea, I'm fine."
He frowned almost.
Was it something I said.
"Fine doesn't really mean fine though."
He had a point.
Damn. He knows everything.
"I'm okay. I promise."
Even if I wasn't I sure as hell would be around you.

The rest of the night had been more like a blur. A high really.
I went home happy and felt amazing. I had gotten Kai's number and felt like I was on cloud nine.
Until I walked through the front door.
Then it all came crashing down.