Lost.

Show me.

"I don't care Cameron." I spoke softly considering our faces were inches apart.

His hand rose from his side and to my cheek, slowly brushing the loose strands of hair from my face. It was quiet all but the hum of the ceiling fan and the beating of my heart in my ears. He leaned in closer stopping as his lips just barely brushed mine "then why aren't you stopping me?"

My breath hitched as I lost myself in his eyes. The butterflies in my stomach were beating at the walls of my insides.

"I don't know." And with that his lips were on mine. My fingers shook as they tangled in his hair pulling him closer to me. His hands slid down my waist sending tingles through my entire body.

He took slow steps until I felt the cold wall against my back and his lips moved to my neck. My mind screamed yes but my heart warned no. I cared about him too much. If Alex found out about this he would do everything in his power to kill Cameron. It didn't matter if I ended things with him he would always think of me as his property. If we broke up and I got with someone else I know he'd be pissed but he would have to get over it. But if that someone happened to be Cameron he would make sure both of our lives were hell.

"Cameron stop." I pushed his head away and tried to steady my breaths.

"I know you're not going to leave him, for reasons that I don't understand. But that doesn't mean that you can't have us both."

"Well actually it does."

"Sex is just sex. Let me show you."

And I let him.

I was weak around him so I gave in. I know what he said but the chemistry between us was undeniable. I know he felt it too.

But we both chose to ignore it.

*.         *.          *.          *.          *.         *.          *.          *.

It was almost 8 and Cameron was long gone when Alex arrived baring flowers. It was the usual 'I'm so sorry, I love you, it'll never happen again bullshit. And like usual I accepted his apology.

He joined us for dinner and the tension in the room was suffocating. Evan stared him down from across the table but I don't think my parents noticed, they carried on with thier normal conversations about their days and upcoming events at work.

"Jordan honey?" I obviously wasn't paying attention. I was too busy imagining Evan jumping across the table to give Alex a broken nose that matched his two black eyes. He explained to my parents that he took a hard hit during practice but the rest of us knew one was from Evan and the other was Cams doing.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I asked if you were feeling better?" My mom looked at me with sincerity as she spoke in her usual hushed tone.

"Yeah, I'm feeling better. I think it must have just been exhaustion from the late nights of studying" which is partly true, I spend a lot of nights studying because school doesn't come easy to me but I maintain a 3.8 GPA. "I'm all caught up on sleep now."

"Well that's good, I'd still like you to go to Dr. Lancaster tomorrow, 9:00."

I just nodded in response and pushed the mashed potatoes around on my plate. I couldn't wait for this dinner to be over and for Alex to leave.

Everyone was done eating and I had successfully rearranged the food on my plate,while taking small bites, to make my mother believe I had eaten.

"So Alex will you be hanging out for awhile?" My dad asked.

"No, he has a lot of studying to do tonight. He has a big physics test tomorrow, right Alex?"

"Actually no, the test got moved to Monday so I'm free tonight." He smiled at me. No. Get out. I forced a smile and walked toward my room, knowing he would follow.

I closed my bedroom door behind Alex because I knew an argument would soon pursue. I leaned all my weight against it as it clicked shut, looking at my bed. The spot Cameron and I were just hours ago, but it felt like a lifetime. Time went by so fast with Cam around, and everything was so easy. But with Alex every moment that passed pulled my head deeper under water.

"I think you need to leave tonight."

"Jordan, you know that wasn't me last night. I just care about you so much and the thought of losing you makes me crazy."

"Maybe you wouldn't have to worry about losing me if you treated me with a little respect. I am a person Alex, you don't own me. But you don't ever stop to think about me do you? It's all about you and I'm fucking sick of it."

He stared at the ground with his hands in the pocket of his jeans.

"You're not even man enough to say anything?"

"I'm sorry J." He took a long pause and we stood in silence. I tried to remember how loud we were just being and hoped my parents hadn't overheard. "I promised you forever, with an amazing life and all I've done is screw it up. I know I can promise you that I'll change but I guess my promises have been nothing but empty lately. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and I won't make anymore promises I'll just have to start proving myself to you."

He tried to slide past me and out the door but I stopped him. "I know you're a good person." I rested my hands on his shoulders. "That's why I fell in love with you in the first place but you've lost yourself Alex. I can help you find yourself again, but you have to let me in." He nodded but stayed silent, I could see the hurt in his eyes. I lifted his chin with my finger and kissed his lips softly. His lips moved more aggressively as his hands grabbed the back of my thighs and hoisted me off of the ground, my back still against the door.

This is what I wanted from Alex, some kind of breakthrough. But the whole time I imagined myself being with Cameron.