Finding My Own Way

Chapter 3

The sunlight is filtering through the canopy above me and each spade shaped leaf becomes a shining Christmas light. Beams break through sporadically and leave warm patches in the grass and on my exposed skin. My wet hair clings to my shoulders and back, the strands like cold snakes coiled around my arms. There is an absence of birdsong or insect chirps. This is why I like this place. It is silent. But not the silence that seems to fill the air like noxious gas in my grandmother's home, but a peaceful quiet. Serene. My relief is shattered like a thin pane of glass as images flash, of late nights, holding her hair as she vomited, and so called "medicines" that only made her worse, buzzing like wasps through my mind and opening fresh stinging wounds. My brow furrows, eyes still closed, as a tear rolls down my cheek and as it leaves so do the memories.

I will not break down again.

My eyes snap open just as I rebuild my walls and I stand to gather my clothes. I had hung them on a vine maple that grows next to the spring. It is the only one of it's kind here, and a strange maple at that. It grows in a tall arch over the spring and connects to the earth again on the other side in a twisting tangle of branches and leaves. Massive for it's breed, I've often used it's entangled limbs to hide things that are best kept untainted by the old woman's bitterness. I risked my life once to hang Mom's favorite necklace at the very center of the arch, a simple blue tear-shaped jewel hung on a black ribbon, but upon further inspection, a tiny rose is carved into the face of the gem. I climbed atop the arch, whose branches really are not all too sturdy. Just as I was reaching across to hang my prize, a branch snapped and I hung upside down by my legs which only straddled the tree. A test of strength if there ever was one. Only when I had righted myself did I notice the gift my mother had left me with. Though it is small, at noon, a single beam of light hits the gem and sends blue sparkles cascading around my little sanctum. During the fall it is quite the sight. The spring mirrors the bright red leaves of the maple and creates a glowing red furnace of color amid the dull brown of the other trees. That beauty is enough to leave one gasping, but at noon, like the town clock, the necklace commands attention with its own version of a chime. The blue flecks of light dance upon the water and bounce off of the surrounding trees. Mom should know how beautiful that necklace really is. Enough of that. She is gone.

"I guess it's just you and me now" I whisper as I glance one last time at the jewel whose beam of light had just faded. 

The house smells of potpourri and  some sort of mold. As usual... I wouldn't be surprised if the walls were filled with an abundance of vile things. The very aura of this place seems to sap the strength of all that is good and feed it to the horrid. Poor Oliver. He tried to stay strong for both of us, but you can't be strong with Her around. She beats you down as the world does. Never letting up and never apologizing, just a continuation of the same shit. At least Mom left you with something. Her mouth. Be quiet. These conversations seem to be a common occurrence. My subconscious and I never seem to agree.

"Alexandria!" I can hear her cane smacking the ground as she makes her way to the entryway. That woman knows how to make entering a room an obnoxious display of superiority. 

"Alexandria, you need to finish your chores and then start your school work. If those grades drop a single point you will regret ever being born." Too late. I roll my eyes and nod repeatedly as she lists the chores that I've had memorized for two years.

"... and the kitchen is to be swept, the toaster cleaned, the counters wiped.... why is your hair wet?" Oh shit. Agreed.  Her eyes catch fire and they burn into mine. My body tells me to run. She has only hit me once, to bring me back to reality three years ago, but even with a lack of a physical  threat, my Grandmother is one tough bitch and I dare not cross her. This was a horrible mistake.

"Since my ears have not been met with an answer, I'm guessing that a punishment is in order." She crosses the room and grabs a spare cane from an umbrella bin. "Hold this above your head and don't drop it until I order otherwise." That was lenient of her. Just as I lift the cane until my elbows lock she drops two shopping bags filled with groceries onto each end. My arms buckle and the cane bangs atop my head. Dark spots mark my vision and it takes a moment for my head to clear.The groceries are spilled across the floor. I rush to pick them up and place them back into each bag, being sure to equalize the weight. 

"Lift" she commands as if speaking to an animal. My arms are not too quick to lift the heavy load, but I force them to lock above my head again. Well this is more like her. Mommy isn't here to protect you from the evil queen. You'll have to fend for yourself Little Princess. Childhood memories... I gasp from the weight. Both physical and emotional, but I keep my arms and my head up. 

"Little Princess, look how you've grown. One day I won't be looking down on you, you'll be a big girl and you won't need your mommy anymore."

"Mommy I'll always need you"

"I love you Alex"

"I love you too mommy."