Finding My Own Way

Chapter 2

Everything is numb.

All I see are visions in slow motion. Oliver's face is strained with worry, his eyes bulging and his mouth open wide screaming, like a fish thrown ashore, gasping. Screaming? He's screaming, but I don't hear anything. Why can't I hear him? I stand; apparently I had fallen to my knees in the kitchen, and I grab Oliver's shoulders. His eyes don't leave Mom's rigid body.

"Look at me! Look at me Oliver!" I scream but I can't hear my own voice. Suddenly a sharp pain rises across my cheek. I shield my face with my hands and turn towards my attacker. My grandmother stands above me with her hand raised, ready to strike me again. Her brows are knit together and her lips are moving as if she is speaking to me. I try to focus on her words, but the silence still envelops me. Grandmother's hand flies down again. I cower with my arms wrapped around my body but the pain never comes. I look around and see Oliver sprawling across the floor with his free hand covering his red cheek, trying to escape her. Tears run down his face but I am still too foggy to be angry, though I know I should be. My eyes unwillingly travel directly to Mom's face. She stares blankly into the distance, but her body is glowing with red lights. Is she bleeding? No, I've seen blood before and it doesn't look like that. Focus Alex, focus. I curl up against the wall and sit in my silence. Like a baby blanket, it wraps around me, comforting me with it's warm embrace. Right now the world is just too much. I can't think. I can't think.

"Miss.... Miss... Miss!"

I snap my head up to see an EMT standing above me.

"I need you to look at me Miss" the EMT says calmly but his words don't register. Images of my mother's face keep flashing across my mind. Her eyes are open, but the light is gone from them. Those eyes that were so comforting, even when she was screaming profanities. A small sad chuckle escapes my throat but my face remains emotionless as I stare blankly at the floorboards.

"Miss, you need to look at me. You are in shock. I'm going to perform a few tests, but I need you to look at me" the EMT brings me back to reality, but only momentarily. I allow him to perform his tests while I try to figure out what just happened. What did he say again? I'm in shock? I must be. Nothing is making any sense. Where is Mom? I look around, but there is no sign of her. a blanket is wrapped around my shoulders. I stare at my knees which are curled up to my chin. Strong arms help me up and I am lead to the back of an ambulance. Still, I don't see Mom. The fog in my mind is starting to dissipate like the sun finally came up and shooed it away, but there is no sun. No light can be found now, for my mom is either dead or close to it and I am helpless. Completely helpless.