As if You Were All I Needed

1

I close my textbook after I finished my Algerbra homework, while looking over my answers to see if I even remotely got them correct. As I look through my notebook, and I take a glance at the scribbles I make in class on the side of the paper where no one actually writes. You know, on the right or left side where you have that really faded red line the marks where you should stop writing. (Or at least that is what I have been told.) I take that opprtunity from that free space to scribble. It's not like I rip these out of my notebook anyway. It's just another peice of paper yet to be burned at the end of the school year (if I make it to the end of the school year). 

All the scribbles are just tallies, letting me know how many days I have stayed alive. How many days I have stayed alive in this cruel and miserable world from which I just want to escape from and never come back. Because who would miss me? Who would care enough to ask me if I was even the slightest bit okay?

"Alexina! Are you done with your homework?"

"Yes mom!"

"I'm going out tonight, you take care of yourself for dinner."

"Where's dad?"

"He's going to be home late again."

I here my mom slam the door behind as she walks to her car. She thinks I don't know where she's going, but I actually do. She's going to a damn bar again. Where she goes and drinks her ass off just so she can come home and yell at the family, blaming them for everything. The only bright side to this is that I always get the house to myself. No one to yell at, no one is drunk, just complete silence. In this complete silence,  I am calm and  all my problems go away.

It's a full moon out tonight, and it's not cloudy, so the stars are engulfing the sky with wonderous light, but how I see it, where there's darkness, there's light. I don't have much of that in my life, hardly any, maybe a twinkle here and there. But, other than that, life is just an endless hallway of darkness waiting to open the door in which you finally find happiness. I've been walking down this hallway for years, and I just want to open the door as soon as I can. That's never going to happen though, is it?

Legends are nice, they have little stories behind everyday sights, like the moon. Depressing story it has behind it, although it's one of my favorites. It just shows that even the universe isn't a perfect family. An old Filipino legend talks about the Moon and the Sun having the chilldren, hense the stars. Moon and Sun loved eachother very much, although the Moon, who is the mother, didn't want her husband getting anywhere near the children. He would have burned them out of existence. But, the Sun didn't listen, and he went to hug one of his many beautiful children, and killed the child. It was just as what the Moon had said. The Sun would burn them alive if he showed affection to his own children. The Moon is now forever in hate with her husband, and takes the children to the other side of Earth, where the Sun isn't near his children. Hence, why we have the night. Although, that's just a legend, now we have this whole science crap going on saying that the 'big bang' created the universe. But fuck that, nobody cares about this science shit, it's not going to be useful to me in the future when I go and get a job on bakery or carpentry or something. 

I feel like a star, I'm never around my dad and my mother is always angry at my dad. She's talked about divorce around him, but she never does it. I guess I am a descendant from the Moon and Sun, but why do I feel like I never shine. Never twinkle. Nothing in my life twinkles. I'm dark, that's all I have ever been. It's not like I was happy in the first place. 

I stare out my window and look down into the streets, I know the people that walk by my house, not personally though. They either go to my school, went out drinking with my mom before, or they just walk by and I just happen to recognize them.

Especially Jody Grayson, now he is something special. No, he is not some part of big sports team, and he isn't one of the 'cool kids' that walk in the hallway with the typical surprise tackles and the heavy pats on the book when his friends pop out into the hallway. He's not the guy where all the girls go head over heals for. He's not the one with the barbie like girlfriend that wears booty shorts, hair done, crop top along with a blazer like coat and her face is covered with pounds of make-up on her face. That makes him special. He's just a normal guy, and every night he takes a walk up and down the neighbor hood, passing my house. I want to call out and say hello, but then I start to get anxiety attacks about what he might say. Plus he always has headphones in, so it's not like he would be able to hear me anyway. There would be no point in saying hi or anything like that. He's the kind of person who walks around hallways and smiles at whoever he sees. He's the kind of person who's default clothing is always jeans, a flannel along with a tee, whatever shoes he finds suitable for school ,and a beanie. He's got the style of an attractive geek. He's the kind of person who sits alone at lunch, and if someone wants to sit at the same table with him, he'll let them and not care. He's the kind of person who makes sarcastic comments in class and makes everyone, even the teacher, laugh. He's the guy that I'm in love with. But, he doesn't know me, he doesn't talk to me, he hasn't even said hello to me, not even bumped me in the hallway. Never has he even asked me for a pencil during Earth and Science. 

And there he goes again, walking past my house, listening to music that I hope is the kind I listen too, so that maybe we could even bond over that. Those 10 seconds, are the only 10 seconds I see him out of school. 

It's too much to overthink in my little head, and I need to head to sleep. I lay my head down on the pillow with me facing the window. I fall asleep in hopes that tomorrow, I get at least some light in some way. Just something to make this star twinkle, even a little.