Reasons To Stay

SEVEN

I think it has been a year since I last updated this and I am so, so incredibly sorry. University took over again and it was one long year but here I am again updating this. There is something really special about this story to me so I had to finish it. I hope those of you who do read it and those of you who come back after reading the six chapters when I first uploaded them, end up loving it as much as I do <3

I knew it would be hard to get Jenny to forgive me as soon as I stepped into the kitchen. Her eyes were red and puffy and her arms closed tightly on top on the table. When she saw me she pouted and looked away.

"Jenny," I said. "I..."

She jumped out of her chair and looked at me from the floor. Normally it would have made me laugh, seeing such a tiny little girl looking up at someone so much taller than her, looking adorable as she attempted to look angry.

Today was not that kind of day.

"You forgot me."

"Jenny, I'm so sorry."

She didn't answer. She left the room without another glance at me.

I stood in my spot for a while. Jenny had never, ever, been mad at me before. At Ro and Trish, yes. But not me.

I sat on the chair she had left behind. I knew deep down that what was happening was not a big deal. Sisters' quarrels were common occurrence everywhere in the world. I had done wrong and it could even take a while for her to forgive me, but she would. I knew that much.

It wasn't the fights themselves, but rather the feeling that my whole life was falling apart that had me so upset. Trish was right. Besides my sisters and my art, I had nothing. And Lance was nice and he did seem to like me but I knew that, unless I changed, things would go back to how they were as soon as our senior year started. And though a part of me wanted to change, I was also scared. And very, very confused. Because I just didn't know how to be normal again. Some new clothes would definitely not make me myself again. And what if I was being myself? What if that boring, robot, mom person was all I really was? It clearly seemed like trying to be happy just made things worse.

A while passed before Ro came in. She leaned her head so she could meet my eyes and smiled brightly.

"Oan? Why is everyone mad at you?" she asked with her usual cheery voice.

"Doesn't matter." I straightened back up in the chair as she went to the fridge and took a juice box out. "Where's Trish?"

"She's sleeping over at a friend's house," she said, pouring herself a glass of juice and then drinking it all at once. "But tell me. Why are they so mad at you?" she insisted.

"Ro, please."

"Come on. Jenny is devastated and Trish was muttering all morning. I bet she told Mrs. Goode so I'm the only one who doesn't know and that's not fair."

"Ro..."

"But Sloan–"

"Rosalie, enough," I said and immediately regretted how harshly it came out. I had never yelled at Ro before.

"Sorry," she whispered with her head down and left.

I sighed loudly, going back to hiding between my arms, trying my best to hold myself together.

"I need you, mom. I really do."

***

That night I dreamt about the envelope again. Like the first dream, this one also began with me opening the envelope and finding out I had been accepted. Like in the first one, I also took my tablet and left all by myself. But in this one I came back to a house full of people waiting for me. I never got to see what happened while I was gone, but so many people I knew and also many I had never seen before greeted me as I came home. And I didn't feel alone at all.

***

When I woke up in the middle of the night, I opened the drawer and took the envelope out from under a pile of paints. It wasn't pristine white anymore and one of its corners was folded, but it still was there. I took a deep breath and opened it. As I held the paper between my fingers, I couldn't help but imagine my possibilities.

If the letter said no, then I could get to life as I had been doing until then. I would have to find a way of fixing things with Trish, even if that might take a lot of time. At least now that I saw it with some perspective I knew I could solve things with Ro and Jenny easily. But still, I knew I would feel deeply disappointed if the one university I dreamed about going didn't think I was good enough for their summer program. That could only mean I wasn't good enough for them at all.

If the letter said yes, though, I would first have to call them and ask if I could change the date, since I had applied for the session happening on the beginning of the summer, not the one that would begin in three days. If they didn't allow the change, then everything would be like in the first case, minus the disappointment. Or maybe with just a new type of it. If they said yes, though, I would leave. Leave my sisters and go to New York for four weeks. I would take classes in Parsons and maybe even get to meet the members of Roman Soldiers. I would get to make friends, to have fun, to do something just thinking about myself for the first time in years. And even if it sounded selfish, I knew it was just what I needed in order of becoming the sister mine deserved.

So I unfolded the letter and read.

Dear Miss Sloane Follie,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted...

I didn't need to read anymore. A strangled yet happy laugh left my throat as I let myself fall back into my pillow. I suddenly knew what I had to do. It scared the hell out of me, but what had happened with Lance proved that not every scary thing had to end badly. Sometimes things had a way of working out just perfectly.