Strike My Heart

Chapter 9 // Disagree With My Decisions

↛Silver Castille↚

After the party, I felt the need to cleanse myself. Everything Finn said about me at the party was true, and that terrified me. Sure, I knew that about myself deep deep down inside but hearing someone else tell me that made it that much more real.

I was a mess, an actual mess.

So after coming to realization and accepting it, I thought it would be nice to start making amends. I wanted to apologize to just about everyone who dealt with me since my parents died. The people who kept up with my instability and reckless behavior. The people who stayed despite the fact I told them all to fuck off.

Those were the people who I felt sorry for, I was done feeling sorry for myself. What was done is done, there's no going back, there is only going forward.

So the Sunday after the party I made sure I finished all my homework the night before and woke up early and attempted to make pancakes for Evan and grandma. Clay's cooking class paid off. Just a little bit.

So when Evan and grandma woke up all groggy and tired and walked into the kitchen to find me sitting on the dining table with a huge stack of pancakes before me, they walked out and walked back in to make sure it was real. They also went as far as pinching themselves and pinching me to make sure I was real as well.

"You're possessed." Was the next claim spit out at me, by my kind brother.

"Shut up, I'm trying to apologize. Stop ruining the mood." I retorted.

"She probably poisoned it." Grandma whispered to Evan, making me roll my eyes.

"You know what, eat the damn pancakes or don't. I'm here to say I'm sorry." I began when they finally sat down at the table. "At the party on Friday I realized some things, well lots of things, I basically contemplated my entire life. Anyways, I'm a terrible human being. I make rash decisions and do things with impulse and I'm not considerate of others. It's a bad bad habit. The two of you are the ones who dealt with my instability the most, especially after mom and dad died. I'm forever thankful for you two."

At first they looked at me with blank stares like they couldn't believe I said all that. Then, they looked at each other with the saddest smiles. After, they got up from their chairs and so did I. Before I could register anything, we were hugging. A big old hug where were all holding onto to each other like our lives depended on it. It was exactly what I needed.

"I'm still not eating your pancakes, you probably did poison them."

"Oh shut up Evan."

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The next on my list was Noah. Even though he cheated on me, it wasn't all of his fault. I was to blame as well. I didn't say I loved him back and when I left, I didn't explain anything. He was in love with me, we were in love, and suddenly I picked up my bags and left. I couldn't even begin to imagine how Noah could've felt.

Other than my brother and grandma, he was probably the next person to really be affected by my selfishness. He didn't deserve any of it and he probably thought it was just him when in reality he was just a minor part of it all.

I didn't know where he was, or what he was doing, so I called him. He didn't pick up the phone. So, after breakfast I showered and changed into a pair of shorts and a white quarter sleeve shirt since it was still pretty warm outside and in Connecticut you treasured warm days, and headed out the door. As I walked down the steps and towards the garage where my car was, I couldn't help but think about Clay. For some reason, every time I thought about him my heart quickened and it wasn't like I liked him or anything, I just felt more aware.