Three times a death

#1

I always felt like there was only one reason I was put on earth; to exist. Now that sounds vague, even for me but all we're destined to do is grow up, procreate and die. Nothing can change the constant loop our life's tape is on. It sounds depressing but it's true, then you add a bit of colour to it; you find love, you have your dream job, you try to save the world, you witness history. But in the end all you're left with is your memories and all I remember is how I died... Let me rephrase, there is a saying that goes "they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time." For me, I died once more.

It was my first death. The first of three.

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We connected instantly, it was one of those friendships were sky is the limit. We spoke about everything that came to mind, didn't matter what it was. Books, shows, movies, politics, drama, our hate for her menstrual cycle and cats. There was one thing I admired most. It was her innocence. She saw the world through a lens that was so pure, it was a fresh breath of air. She was the first person I spoke to when I would wake up and the last person I spoke to before I slept. She was my best friend, and I was cursed by loving the one person I didn't want to love.

you.

There's more to life to just love, I get that... I really do. But it's also the one thing that helps us go on, and I felt like before I died, before I was stuck behind some dead-end job earning my wages only to go home and microwave my food; that I'd meet someone. Now I wish I didn't. 

It was the summer of 2014. I'd finished school and my days of binge-watching were ahead of me. I was determined that nothing was going to distract me. Not even my family. I know how they always start love stories by saying "I remember the first time we met, the conversation and all"; bullshit. It was over 3 years ago, at that time I didn't know where it going. We were just two book worms dorking out on every single thing. It was exciting really. It was like every teenage love story (minus the usual dash of suicide), we texted more than we did any other task. It was like we saved each other from our boring lives and that scared me. Because then that meant I had some sort of responsibility and I didn't want to mess it up. I didn't want to hurt you. 

The person I was was the opposite to you. I liked to be a "Bad boy", granted it was a ridiculous phase. I hanged around a crowd that you then deemed to be too taboo, and I did my very best to distance you from it; even though you experience something new, something a bit on the dark side. 

We fell in love somewhere in between then and when I left.

I didn't want to leave.

But I did. 

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I don't think I ever had feelings for someone so true, I always regarded it as a hormonal fuelled desire. But I never thought of you like that, I couldn't. 

TBC