I Mean, We Can Try (phan)

Part 12

(Chapter 12)

*ding*
Twitter notification:
@amazingphil has shared a post: Is depersonalisation a real thing? I'm a hallowed out shell with someone else's memories that used to be here. I have a song playing in my head but there's no beat and no words, no noise, but i can hear it throughout me, i can physically sense myself leaving, piece by piece, quickly. Its only getting worse the more my body awakes. I am an empty shell moving through a routined cycle, not caring whether it's disrupted or not. The routine is to wake up, get dressed, bring down shoes and bag, do hair, eat, and make coffee. I don't do any of it in order from the moment i awoke: woke up, grab phone and tell someone about the dream so i can 'feel' it and remember it as long as possible, grab the clothes, go downstairs, change and do hair at same time, skip breakfast, make coffee. But i don't drink it, i make it solely for the purpose of trying my least to maintain this routine. But its not mine, this account isn't even mine, but its on what's supposed to be my phone which was on what's supposed to be my nighttable. All the things that are supposed to be my own are foreign. I suppose this is depersonalisation, but with it, most want it to leave, i want it to stay as long as it wants, im enjoying the blankness. I'm enjoying the emptiness.

Phil's POV

They speak to me all the time, I don't understand what's so different about now? They always tell me how awful I am, how bad I fucked up, how I shouldn't have said or done that, but why are they taking over? They're now charging my thoughts, they're leading my mind, they've stopped letting me think separately from them. Any thought I think is my own is captured and held hostage by them. I can't think without being bossed around by the voices in my head. They're trying to become me. Its working and I don't know how to stop it, I cant tell the nurses, they'll ship me off to a psych hospital and no one will ever see me again. I don't want to go.

Its been days since I spoke to my nurse, she switched out her patients because of what I said to her and now a new nurse is in her old route. She comes in, takes my vitals, asks how I feel, checks how my wounds healing and how I'm holding up then she leaves. No friendly conversation, I can't tell if I'm grateful or sad for it. Probably a bit of both. Today I asked her if I could put in the television because the silence was doing something awful to me. She agreed and turned it on for me, but the only thing on that she'll let me watch is Twilight on repeat. I'm so close to trying to suffocate myself. She found out I hate this movie and like it at the same time so she got some enjoyment from watching me internally suffer. You know, how nurses are supposed to. Today after the movie ended the ninth time, she sat at the foot of the bed and asked if she could have a small conversation with me. She ended up asking me about my request for no visitors and about why Nurse Clark switched with her.

"It's kind of complicated." I really didn't want to talk about it.

"If I get confused I'll ask when you're done speaking," she smiled at me, her eyes pleading. I nodded my head and sighed, knowing there's no way I can lie out of this.

"Okay, let me start with there's this boy I like." I pause to look for a reaction of me indirectly saying I was gay, I got nothing but a warm smile. "He knows I like him and he likes me, too. He's the only person I want to see me, in fact he's the one receiving my medical information because of my father. Anyways, I don't want him to see me this way, especially because I put myself here. He's the one who found me, I was at his house, I should've been okay, but of course I wasn't and I hate it. He shouldn't have to feel obligated to care for me or watch me struggle in these," I look down at my restraints. "And as far as Nurse Clark, I may have raised my voice and my her and said something really rude to her because I didn't feel like talking about anything with her." She nodded and waited to see if I was finished before she spoke.