Dolĉe

6. Regret

6. Regret

Tilly Beans

Waking up the next morning completely entangled with Daddy, I couldn't help the smile that formed and the mum of satisfaction that followed. He held me tightly, despite him being asleep as peacefully as he was but I snuggled myself closer to him and looked down at my hand to see the delicate ring still sitting there comfortably on my finger. 

Good lord... what am I doing? I made a promise to myself I would never see a ring on my ring finger given to me from a man who professed his love and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me yet here I am with said ring. I was already feeling anxious about this, with my commitment issues still at large, I was tempted to take the ring off and leave it on the nightstand. 

I can't explain nor fully explain why I get like this. Last night was wonderful, we did our video and I felt so wanted, so sexy and so loved. He proposed in a manor I adored, there was nothing fancy to his proposal... it was just us in the beauty of naked skins after we shared one of the most intimate moments we could possibly share with each other. I was happy and nearly on the verge of crying last night  yet here I am in the morning still staring at this ring with my anxiety gradually increasing. I didn't like that I was like this but what could I do? I was too set in this way to change now and I was feeling guilty that the happiness ran out like it did so quickly. 

Its not even going to be a legit marriage, just a forever fiance-ship with a wedding and I'm mentally freaking out about all this. I don't get it, I will never get why I am this way. I love this man more than I love myself and that says a lot because I really fucking love myself so why don't I have that desire like any other normal person to want to be formally committed to him? I love myself in every aspect except this one because it doesn't make sense. 

I was brought out of my thoughts when I felt his hand move down between my legs, a firm hold of my cooch that made me squeeze my thighs and fail to conceal the giggles as he kissed the back of my neck. 

"Good mornin', Mami." He said in such a sleepy voice that had me weak alone- oh God his hand better stop. Its too early in the morning for all this, I'm sore from last night because we just got too into it as he was too into me- I mean that in all ways possible- my guts are probably rearranged so Ima need at least twelve additional hours for all of that to migrate back to where it needa be. With the hand that was intertwined with my ring hand, he held it up to take a look and I stared at it as well. "That ring looks beautiful on you." He complimented. 

"Thank you." I mustered up and I quickly stuffed my head into my pillow. I wasn't going to slip the ring off or mention my most recent thoughts and feelings towards our newest milestone. I didn't want him to be hurt- seeing him hurt of all people truly makes me feel a certain way because he's not a man that you see hurt often. I only saw him hurt one time and it was odd, I wanted to just hug him real tight and never let him go... I'm hoping that maybe after a few days my attitude will change and I'll be just fine but till then I'll just have to fake the happiness to keep him happy. 

~A Week Later~

"You look awful." Nelle Bells said when I walked up to the tall table and climbed up into my chair at the Starbucks we decided to meet up at. Sweets of course was here with all her loveliness and I had to get a kiss on the cheek from her- which I did. I hadn't shared the news with them yet because fuck me but today was the day. 

"Thank you Nelle Bells, I didn't bother since you chose to go Starbucks of all places but boy do I got a clusterfuck of news to share." I kept my hands under the table so they wouldn't see the ring that can't physically come off my finger. I've tried pulling, soap, butter, oil and lube. None of those worked on getting the ring off so I've adjusted to letting it take permanent residence on my finger. Taking a look at Nelle Bells, she was looking great despite the constant drama that goes on in her house as she always says and Sweets always looked her best no matter what. From day one when she was introduced to me as my cell mate back in Juvy to right now, she maintained that doll-like look to her and I envied that in a playful way.