"Do You Want To Die?"

“Do you want to die?”

***

What lies beyond death? This question haunted me every day. I lived my entire life with death as my blanket. Even as a small child death was something I knew too well, I’d played with death too many times, and death had been rough and hurt me several time since my birth. My family had been pledged by death and soon was dwindled down to just my sister and me. Our mother died giving birth to my only sister, Siren, and her sister died on her way to give birth to her son in a gruesome car accident. My father died in the war two months ago and his two brothers fell now to long before him. His sister was murdered last year; luckily the man who did it is rotting in prison. Grandparents, All dead as well. It was just my sister and I, but soon it would only be Siren.

One year ago, right after my aunt’s murder, I was told I had two brain tumors the size of grape fruits and that was why I was so tired and sick all of the time. My father was home at the time on leave. He wanted to stay and the army was prepared to let him have an early retirement, but I knew my father loved the army so I told him to go. Looking back I wish I would have told him to stay, my death could have saved his life. My sister would not be alone to face the world. She’s only thirteen. A young sixth graded, I can’t leave her, not yet. But it’s inevitable, I must go.

The doctors said I have another two months to live, that’s with life support. I can’t walk on my own anymore; I didn’t know having cancer would be so painful. The chemo is my least favorite part. I haven’t lost any hair yet, but it makes me throw up and I don’t like Siren to see me for at least two days. Some nights I sat up crying and wailing hoping the doctors will give me more drugs to put me to bed forever, or just pull the plug. Instead they moved me to a bigger room with a window that looked over the park. That was exactly what a dying person wanted to see, the healthy living people of the world playing. I promised Siren I would stay strong for her, but it was hard and painful.

The Grant A Wish foundation came to see me. I asked if they could cure my cancer. They all looked heart broken. I sent them away and told them to give a fat check to the cancer hospital for children on the east side of town, they did and the hospital sends a child to me every day to thank me and make me feel better. I do, but cry because these young kids will die just like me. One little girl who came to see me was in a wheelchair, and was completely bald. She had tumors in her legs and was fading fast. That same girl came back a week later with no legs and looking much better. Part of the check I donated went to hiring new surgeons. The girl in the wheelchair got her legs cut off, and two more doses of chemo and she was cured. I get letters from her and her family wishing me well. Those children and Siren are my drive to live.

As if by cure Siren walked in as I was thinking about how much I missed her. She came in with flowers and my doctor. Siren looked like a younger me, before the chemo. She put the pink flowers on my night stand and sat next to me in a chair. She grabbed my hand. I melt into her warm. I couldn’t help but to feel how war she was. How healthy she was.

“Hello.” She smiled passed her sadness.

“Hello. How was school?” Siren sighed and let go of my hand, grabbed her bag and took out her report card. “Oh! All A’s I hope.” She nodded, but pointed to the comments.

“All A’s but my math teacher said I was a disruptive student.” She hung the report card over my bed with some tape on the nightstand. “Me, disruptive? I am not.” Siren was right. Around me she was a bubble of a person, but she was quiet in school. I used to see her teachers and they’d compare us and say how we were both such quiet kids growing up. We kept to ourselves that’s all. We had plenty of friends though; we just knew how to act in school. Our father was in the army after all.

“Well this is your only year with her, and school lets out soon so no worries.” She shrugged.

“That’s not important anymore. How are you?” Concern spread across her face. I put on my best smile.

“Feeling better than yesterday, worse than last month, but I’m still kickin’,” I said tighten my grip on her hand, trying to show her I was still strong. She wasn’t buying it, but she already knew how sick I was and didn’t want to argue.

“I’ll get you some food. The doctors said I could stay to help you eat. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She let go of my hand, and as if she was the ground beneath my feet and crumbled and fell deeper into my bed. I knew she was coming back but it felt like hours. Every second was ten minutes and every minute were hours. I felt tired all of a sudden. I stared at the white walls. Of all colors why white? I hated how plan it was in here. It drove me mad. Some days I’d send away all visitors because the medication mixed with the ‘serein’ walls made me hallucinate. Today felt like one of those days.

Soon five minutes passed, but it felt as if a day had gone by. I closed my eyes just for a minute…

***

When I opened my eyes there was a note and food on my bed tray. The note read:

            Lilith, I didn’t want to wake you up, you looked so peaceful. I went to the library to pick up some books for a project, but I’ll be back for night visiting.

                        Love, Siren

I smiled and looked at the food. A sandwich and some jello with a little juice. I ate some jello, but couldn’t hold the spoon. The pain was too much so I rested my head against the bed and looked out the window. The pain was too much so I turned my head away from the world I was leaving behind. Then I felt a sharp pain run through my body. My head felt heavier than ever before, yet weightless. I couldn’t move. I wanted to scream for my doctors but nothing was moving. Then voices came to my head with pictures to follow.

The voices of doctors talking and my sister crying. I saw myself finding out I had cancer and I felt that shock again. I saw my mom and her sister playing with my hair when I was very young, then I saw my dad walk over to me and kiss me good bye. My mother hugged him and kissed him too. Then I saw me going to school and hearing that my aunt died during a test I was taking. I felt all of that pain again. I saw birthdays that I didn’t even remember pass in my mind and I started to cry. My head was now spinning and screaming and my heart was racing. My entire body was still.

The door flew open and doctors ran into the room. They were screaming things I could barely hear or understand. I asked them what was going on but they ignored me as if I wasn’t there. Pain returned full blast, and then the voices came back, but this time it was the crying of an infinite. I looked and saw a baby being born, and somehow I knew it was me. My first breath was followed by my last. The pain vanished and then there was nothing. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was as light as a feather and nothing was holding my back.

I wished for my last days to be in the winter surround by snow and ice, but it was late spring, yet even now I found myself wishing for snow to fall.

I just wish I could see snow fall one last time. Hold Siren’s hand and watch the snow in our pj’s like we used to.

In the midst of all the madness I heard a voice, “Do you want to die?” It was a man’s voice, but I ignored it and let the nothingness embrace. As I faded into nothing a snowflake fell on my cheek.

Siren…