Blinded by the Light: the Series

Blinded by the Light Part One: Blinding Darkness

'Brian? Are you there?'

Roger's soft, husky morning voice broke the silence in the bedroom, and Brian, who was standing in front of their wardrobe, peered over his shoulder to look at him while letting the question circulate in his cloud of thoughts. It was a question Brian had to listen to way too often lately, and he started to hate it more every time he heard it. It made him feel more and more powerless every time his boyfriend asked him if he was there with him. How he dreaded that question, how it reminded him of that one terrible thing that had happened, that one terrible moment that had changed their lives forever. But of course, he didn't want to bother Roger with his own sadness and helplessness, given that handling his own grief was a big enough task for Roger, so he answered most calmly and kindly.

'Yes, baby. Of course I am,' he managed as gracefully as possible, not knowing if he had to allow the small smile that tugged at the corners of his lips to really shine through, or if he had to bite down his bottom lip in pain and frustration when he saw Roger clumsily throw the covers aside and prop himself up on his hands. Brian habitually reached out to find the light switch of the nightlight. Only when he had switched it on, he remembered that it wouldn't make a difference for Roger, and Brian blinked against the tears numerous times, until he was sure they weren't going to interrupt him while he would speak to his boyfriend, which was all he could hope for now.

'Did you sleep well?' he asked with a lump in his throat after he had settled down next to Roger on the bed, tugging his fingers through Roger's sweaty blond locks of hair.

'I woke up a few times,' Roger said, and Brian nodded, then changed this gesture into a compassionate 'I noticed, baby.' Though Roger never said a word or turned to Brian when he woke up at night, since he didn't want to bother him, Brian could always tell exactly whether he was sleeping or not. Brian knew Roger didn't want him to know that he fell out of sleep so often, but it was too obvious to the guitarist when Roger didn't even bother closing his eyes while trying to slip into unconsciousness again. Way too often, it was Brian who carefully pressed his eyelids close when Roger simply forgot this part of trying to fall asleep in the darkness that surrounded him at all times.

'Did you have any dreams? Saw something nice? Colours, maybe?' Brian asked hopefully. He didn't know why Roger's dreams were so important to him – probably because those were the only times he ever really experienced something visual lately. Maybe because he hoped these images Roger was seeing at night might indicate that things would get better, even though Brian knew very well that this hope was in vain.

Roger thought for a second, before he answered: 'Something about the last tour. We were in Japan, and we walked out of the press conference hall and... we sat down on the grass somewhere outside, to look at the trees. Those pink ones, you see? I don't remember what they're called...' Roger's sentence ended in a mumble when he couldn't remember the name of the tree he was looking for, and he started chewing on the inside of his cheek as he pondered out loud. 'It's on the tip of my tongue, but I don't know...'

'Cherry blossoms, you mean,' Brian added once he had recalled the beautiful pastel pink blossom trees they had seen in Japan. Roger had immediately fallen in love with those miracles of nature, and sometimes, when he focussed really deeply, he could still picture them.

'Yes, the cherry blossoms. They were really pretty. Very... Vibrant. Colourful...' Roger's voice trailed down again, and though he was facing down, Brian could see that his bottom lip had started to tremble, and he cursed under his breath. The last thing he had been aiming for was to upset Roger, and especially not first thing in the morning. They were both still tired from another intense day and another broken night, and Brian knew that this day, that had only just started, was going to be even harder. Starting to cry wasn't going to make things any easier right now – in fact, he was afraid that if Roger was to tear up right now, he would break down for real himself. Therefore, he leant in to take Roger into his embrace, kissing the top of his head.