Blinded by the Light: the Series

Blinded by the Light Part Three: Back to the Light

Brian had no idea what time it could possibly be when he woke up in a tangle of sheets and covers on that specific day in July, but the faint orange glow of the sunset shining through the thin fabric of their curtains was all he needed to see to know that he had survived another night without waking up – or being awoken, that was – even once. He smiled in relief, knowing that this meant that his boyfriend also must have experienced one of those spare peaceful nights, which was all he could have withed for as a birthday gift; for the person he loved most to finally get some sleep and be fully awake and ready to attend his birthday party. Brian snuggled closer into the pillows again, his fingers reaching out to touch those of Roger.

'Oh Roger, guess what day it is...' Brian excitedly tried to wake him up, knowing Roger had been waiting for this day. Strangely though, Brian's finger bumped up against nothing but a crumple of blankets and sheets and the cold surface of the mattress Roger was supposed to lie on.

'Hmm... Roger?' Brian asked, throat soar from not having used it nor cleared it all night, and he rolled over a little further in the hope that he might detect the person he was looking for there, which unfortunately turned out to be a fruitless action. Disorientated and still sleepy, Brian at last opened his eyes, and he had no idea why it shocked him so much to see that Roger indeed wasn't there. The sight of the empty mattress corresponded perfectly to his previous observations, so this wasn't something he hadn't expected to see. Maybe it was exactly the fact that he couldn't see him; Brian had been hoping that he had just still been half-asleep, still floating around in a visionary world when he hadn't been able to find his partner. To now be fully awake and see with his own eyes that Roger's side of their double bed was indeed abandoned, was literally and figuratively an eye-opener to him. Brian propped himself up into a half-sitting position on the bed, habitually ran a hand through the mass of curls that threatened to fall into his face, and he glanced at the alarm clock next to his bed, even though the time the device displayed couldn't be less irrelevant to him at that given moment.

'Roger?' the guitarist asked after having cleared his throat, stepping out of bed to glance right over it, to check if the small gap of space between the bed and the wall on Roger's side of the bed was empty or if he had ended up lying here somewhere in the middle of the night. From experience, Brian knew that he could be restless at night, tossing and turning endlessly, and sometimes even rolling out of bed, but instinctively Brian could tell that there was no use looking for Roger there or anywhere in their bedroom in general.

More than just a little worried, Brian walked out of their room, fruitlessly glanced inside the guest room, paced over to the bathroom in just a handful of steps and tore open the door, already feeling like he wasn't going to find him there either; Roger knew that Brian didn't want him to leave the room unannounced, and believe it or not, he actually obeyed this order and always let Brian know, mostly because he also needed his help to find the way in the darkness of the small hallway right next to the stairs.

The stairs. Brian could feel all the blood draining out of his face when the mental images of the possible scenarios flickered before his eyes – Roger falling down the stairs, grazing himself, bruising himself, wounding himself, breaking a limb or even worse than that – and Brian ran towards the other side of the hallway. Stars danced before his eyes when he noticed that the stairgate he had installed to prevent Roger from falling down the stairs, was opened, even though he was sure he had closed them properly the evening before, meaning that Roger had somehow managed to get downstairs one way or another. By the time he feverishly stumbled down the stairs, repeatedly calling Roger's name and frantically tearing open the door that lead to the living room, he felt like he was going to lose his mind. He had felt moments of fear like this before; the moment Roger collapsed into his arms right after the accident when Brian could hardly make sense out of what was happening, the time Roger burned his hand and lower arm on the stove so badly that they ended up in first aid, and the first night out of hospital, when Roger had been crying all night and furiously had been wishing for his life to be over, simply because he felt like he couldn't go on like this anymore. All those times had been frightening for Brian, but back then, he had at least been able to comfort himself with the thought that Roger was right there with him, while right now, he literally had no idea where he was.