Zugzwang

Prologue

There she stood. Found herself outside his door.

Him.

The one man who could make sense of her confused, roller coaster mind that whirled and twirled and ever so often spiralled out of control. It had been six years. Six long years since she had left him, simply to satisfy her hunger for the dangerous world she was consumed in.

Anyone in their wrong mind would have done what she did. Chose to reject the safe option and plunge blindly, head first into an abyss of extravagant, luxurious certain demise. Thrown away a possible lifetime of happiness and security for five and a half years of self hatred, self pity and a deep set loathing of the life she was leading. Too long.

It had taken years too long to gather the guts and drive her determination to leave.

Escape the soul-sucking atmosphere that surrounded every breath she took up until the second she set foot outside the confounds of the semi-private crack den. Of course even then she didn't dare try to find him. He had been clean for months before she had left. She wouldn't, couldn't, be his influence to start again. It took 6 months but she had done it. Stripped of alcohol, drugs and meaningless fornication for half a year.

Clear minded.

Judgement no longer impaired by substances that had once controlled her. She would have been immensely proud of herself if it wasn't for her thoughts. The constant questioning of everything she saw.

Hallucinations. Delirium. Incoherence.

That is why she had found him.

The upmost quenching drug for her deranged mind. One shot of him and she was on a high for days.

The best way she could cope with the tunnelling considerations on route to depression.

He wasn't exactly sane himself, far from it. But in his case, years were wisdom and he had her beat. When they first met he had seven years on her 16.

Not exactly the social etiquette.

A knowledgeable 23 year old bachelor, pursued by an underestimated teen wise beyond her short years. Who knew that a relationship could blossom from that? All be it a doomed one. Slowly dragging each other down with the help of devious outside influences. Their death marked love had obtained concrete feet. A year together had began ,like a dream and ended like a nightmare.

Attempting to find cures for existing without ever actually living, found them in the same dead-end situation that so many had discovered. The street life of drugs and alcohol had drawn them in, providing an escape from their own heads and towards nothing but each other. Constantly assessing the world around you was constantly playing with fire. Getting a fix of that one magic potion used to provide at least a few hours of mock sanity. It was easy to blame an addiction but nobody forced the pipe in her mouth, or the powder in her nose.

She shook her head in a pathetic attempt to remove the thoughts of the past from her head.

Focus on the present day.

Be consumed by reality, that's what he would have told her.

Standing outside the chipped paint door, reality sunk in and her heart flipped a three sixty in her chest. Focusing her mind, she commanded herself to breath.

In.

Out.

She couldn't do this, not now.

Breath, in and out.

Her heart twisted back to its normal position and she closed her eyes.

Just knock. After all this time, all this healing, she had to see him and show him how she could change. He had been her inspiration for all this time and she would set eyes on him once again. Even if it was for the last time. This in the forefront of her mind, she opened her eyes and raised a shaking hand to the rusted knocker in front of her. Seconds past before she clasped it in one sweated hand, thumping it against the cracking wood.

Once. Twice. Three times.

It was too late at night, he probably wouldn't come. He most likely had a family that she was disturbing. Her eyes watered at the thought of ruining his life. Again. Her heart yearned to see him but it may be best to leave. Let him be at peace, finally with people who didn't jeopardise his life just by being within yards of him.

A light flickered on from upstairs, followed by the loud creek of old stairs. Walking. He was awake and walking towards her, not even knowing it was she. Her heart pounded yet again, stomach tying itself in knots. Another bulb flicked alight on the other side if the door. Breath hitching high in her throat, chains were removed, bolts unlocked and latches removed by a fast silhouette.

And then it opened. Swinging open awkwardly, it exposed a scruffy, exhausted, beautiful man. Maybe he wouldn't remember her?

He obviously did. She saw his eyes widen every so slightly.

"Rustin" she choked.

"Oshana" he whispered.

I missed you all. I hope you enjoy this new story. I also hope my writing skills will have improved since my last, quite frankly, terrible attempt at writing.

~Charlotte