Too Far Gone to be Fixed

Chapter 1 || Heartbroken Children

"You're such a useless child!"

"Worthless! That's all you are! You're not worth anything! No one cares about you!"

I'm not entirely sure when it started.

"You were a mistake! You weren't even supposed to be born!"

But it's all I remember when I think of my childhood. My parents... terrible people who never cared about me. Leaving me to grow up at a young age. Their hurtful words never ceased, and they always upset me. Because of them, I learned how to carefully close myself off. I learned how to pretend like I was okay. I always thought it was something that was wrong with me...

It's only recently that I'm beginning to realize it was never, and never will be, something wrong with me. None of it is my fault, but I still feel the need to fix it. I feel the need to fix something that isn't broken...  but it feels broken. And it tears me apart from the inside out, breaking me down until I'm nothing more than the shell of what I used to be... more like the shell of what I could be.

If I hadn't met my best friend, I don't know where I'd be right now. Probably not here. My best friend, Cha Min-neul, and I have been friends since around kindergarten. She's the only one who knows about my dysfunctional family life and I want it to stay that way. I can only imagine the awful comments and terribly silent pity and sympathy I would get. I don't need anyone's sympathy or pity. It makes me feel small. Neul gets that. She doesn't look at me any differently or treat me any differently like I thought she would after she found out.

It took a lot of courage for me to actually tell Neul about my family life and how horrible it is. I wasn't sure if I should bring her into this mess... I really didn't want her to leave me. She is the only true friend I have despite how easily socializing comes to me and how great my social life is. Even though I'm popular with all the kids at school, they don't really know and appreciate me like Neul does.

"I can't believe we even had a child, especially one like you! You never cease to fail us. You're such a disappointment!"

I should be used to the comments by now, but they still hurt every time I think about them. Every time I remember the words my parents, my family, spoke to me, I can't help the sharp pain that arises in my chest, in my heart... in my mind. I should be used to it all. I should know that it's untrue. I should know that my parents speak nothing but lies to me... But even if I know deep down in my soul that what they say isn't true, my mind and heart work together to believe it.

It's almost hard to believe that I can be so popular at school. It's hard to believe that so many of my peers like me and look up to me, frequently coming to me for advice. It's hard to believe this when my own family doesn't even love me this much. It's hard to believe it because when I return home, I'm not greeted with welcoming questions and the smell of dinner cooking. I'm not greeted with hugs and loving parents. I'm greeted with an empty cold home, to which my parents will later return. Usually drunk, and always in a terrible mood.

They've never physically harmed me... they've never even laid a hand on me. They're too disgusted by me to touch me. But with the words they say to me... I almost wish they would hit me. At least then the scars would fade quickly... But the words... they never go away. Haunting my every moment. Bringing me to tears, and causing me to cry myself to sleep quietly every night. The words stay in my mind throughout every day, making my smile faker than most of the girls at school. How many lies can a smile a hide? Quite a lot, believe it or not... Only Neul knows how incredibly fake my smile is... and only Neul has seen me smile genuinely.

"Hi! My name is Cha Min-neul! What's your name?" a little girl I recognized from my kindergarten class said as I sat on the swings feeling very lonely and distanced from the other kids. I was also remembering what my parents had said to me that very morning.